I just don't know how I could say this. I really had a problem with myself. I has a violent streak that if I will not be treated could really led to a lot of miserable things for myself and my loved ones. You see, I always been a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. But that goodness was marked by a character that even if I tried to change or I know that I am but can't able to suppress is my tendency to be extreme on a fit of anger. Well, anger is not new to me. All my life, I felt that. Anger towards my father that led me to hatred. Anger because he is a miser and don't want to provide us well. Take note the word "don't" rather than "can't". He will rather choose to live in poverty and let his family suffer from it rather than have a blue collar job. For him, a blue collar job is beneath his capacity. You see, he is a genius college drop-out.
Then, he has many vices, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling and most of all, violence. Yes, he is violent. And as a child, I suffered from it. We all suffered from it. My mom is a member of the "violence club". Violence not only physical but the most damaging of all is the verbal emotional attacks. Some of you will be shocked that until the end of my fathers' life, my mom is still there, on his side. I was not on his side when he died, because until the end, I was not able to forgive him and he was not able to ask for that forgiveness. That will be the hanging ending to our story. A story of violence, love and hatred. Love? Because somehow, I know he did loved us. He is not a monster that I know and don't want to forget. He is just a coward until the end and I am still a bitter person at that end. I will always regret it till this day. If only I could turn back time, I will put an end to it. I will give him the forgiveness. But sometimes, forgiving is not enough. It will never be enough. It's the forgetting part which is the hardest part. Hardest because at the end, you still remembers everything. The every detail of it. It is like a movie scenario on your mind. Or maybe, I still holds on to it. A leading talk show host once said that every person who suffers something tragic in their life is a hypocrite to say that they have forgive and forget. Maybe forgive but you can't forget. Actually, the can't should be won't. Because sometimes, we wouldn't like to forget because we want some affirmation in our life that it really happened. Since family violence is something that was seldom talked about. Seldom discussed as topics on any conversations. and sometimes, it was even assessed as part of life. If you open a discussion of it to someone else, the reaction would be just an "ohh" and a sad face. Then the topic will be closed. As if it's a disease no one wants to know. No suggestions, no empathies. Sometimes, we don't even talk about this to friends. I don't. Until today, no one of my friends know about this. Not even the closest ones. Because as a child of family violence, I feel ashamed just to talk about it. Feel ashamed for the person who have done this to me, a family member, a love one, a dad who should protect you from harm. That person's blood is my blood. And his shame is mine.
Some psychologist said that children of violence tend to become two persons, either you became a very good peaceful and loving individual or you will become like the person who had hurt you. And sadly, I became the exact replica of my father. I hated what he represents to us, the strike of the fist for every mistakes you've done but I became like him. I am still am and it's a painful life for me. I know it's wrong but like a drug, I keep on doing it. I'm tired, I need help. But how can I do it. Does people like me can really change? It's always been a part of my system and I really have my father's blood flowing thru my veins. Sometimes, I just think that if you believe in something, someone, you could find the courage to suppress it. But I cannot, and it really scares me. I am scared of myself. Of the road that I'm taking. Of the life that I'm leading. I wanted to break that cycle of violence. I wanted to be humane again. I wanted to love and be stronger. I wanted to help myself. In the end, I know I still have a choice. A choice to be free from this bondage. Maybe admitting it to the world is my first step thru healing. Maybe I can still be repaired. Maybe, I am also my mothers' daughter. I know I am the only person that can really free myself. Before I turn away all the people that loved me which I have hurt, I know that I need to change.
I started this blog wanted to create a haven for people like me. For children, for women, for men. A haven anyone could write their emotions, their feelings, their secrets, their life. A haven for affirmation that it really happens and yes..its still happening. And maybe at the end, we will find that forgiveness. We will find acceptance. We will understand one another. We will have that affirmation. We would be able to forget. And even if we don't want to, at least we can make peace about it. We can put an end to that cycle of violence. And maybe, find at least some affirmation that even if life had been hard before my eyes, it will be better someday. I will heal and find at least a semblance of peace within myself. I can be true to everyone and not be ashamed anymore. This is life before my eyes but it will be a good and better life.
