This is the day that I will never forget because it was the last day of A. A is my greatest secret and no one knows it but only me. At the office, I’m so good pretending I don’t care about him, as if he doesn’t exist. But the truth is that I had already fallen in love with him. Actually, I don’t know if this is love….I can’t define what love is. It was not even a physical attraction because he was not my ideal man. He is not handsome or tall and he has a dark complexion. Dark complexion is fine with me coz I am fair skinned but I like tall men. His eye looks like he came from Arabic descent, piercing while I like men who had expressive eyes. It was one of my fetish. The eyes. I also like men who are funny and extrovert and he is not. I really don’t know what happened between us. When I worked with him in an engagement, that is when I start to noticed him. Before, I really did not feel anything about him. He was not even my crush. Maybe, that is what love is. You’ll never know when it struck you and maybe, there is really a possibility that if two persons are working together, a man and woman, there is a possibility that they will develop a feeling for each other. I don’t know when it started, I can’t remember but all I know is that I started to have dreams about him…about us together. Sometimes, those dreams are even naughty ones…sexual fantasies and stuff. I’m really ashamed talking about this to another person because A had already a girlfriend and they are together for 4 yrs. now. I’m not really attracted to him but when he is around, it’s like there is a chemical element that makes me giddy. Sometimes, I questioned myself that maybe it is only hormones in my part. But I only feel this thing when he is around me. It’s like there is a chemical reaction when we touch. My god, I really can’t explain it in word. I used to analyze my feelings. I don’t like to feel this way to another person because I wanted to control my life. Maybe I was only attracted to his attitude with life. You see, A is a very responsible person…he loves his family and he takes care of his siblings. If you know me better, you will know that one of my greatest fear is to fall in love with a man like my father. Who never treats my mother in a respectful way. And I guess my attraction with A steams from that, because he is an exact opposite of my father. He is introvert and very responsible. Even if his salary is not enough, he is still helping his siblings with their studies and he is the breadwinner of his family. His father is only a policeman. What I also like about A is that he is kind and always ready to lend a hand. He does not imbibe in drinks (I don’t know if this is true but this is what I only see on him). We are very much different…he is into sports and I am not. I am a nature lover and he is not. I love talking to people and he is afraid to tell his deepest secret and soul to anyone. In some way, we are alike on that one. Because I also have so many secrets that I can’t tell to anyone…not even the closest friends. In some way, we complement each other. It’s like our mind are sometimes synchronize and somehow, we even like the same things. I noticed that we both like seafood but our likeness comes from the way we both love our respective families.
I know that I am an idiot rambling about things but I know that what I feel about him is true because I haven’t feel this way about anyone before. He is the first man I feel in love with and that is why, I cannot tell it to anyone. It’s embarrassing especially the fact that I feel in love with a man 4 yrs. younger than me, has a weird sense of humor and most of all, already had a girlfriend of 4 yrs. What will my friends think of me, I am like the rock of true sense and I fall from the pit myself.
But sometimes God put a joke to us we don’t know what it is. Just last night, I learned that he is already broken up with his girlfriend. A friend told me and I pretended that I don’t care but there is a spark of hope in my heart. Then, again, I fall back into reality. What I feel about A and what he feels about me (this, I didn’t know and I don’t want to find out) is irrelevant. I know I’m good in giving advice and I need one right now. When my friend told me what his past love did to her and I have seen how devastated she is, I told her to confront the guy and ask him why? But I cannot do it. They said that women had great instincts and I feel that somehow, A feel something about me. It is in the way he talks and stares at me. I don’t know, I am afraid to know the truth. Because knowing the truth will really devastate me. Because even if (only even if) there is something between us, it will never be a reality. I had done things I should never have. Lied to him and others and my greatest lie is my age. They all think (even he) that I am only 25 yrs. old, a year younger than him. I lied about my first boyfriend that never existed. The name exists and the person exists but he is not my boyfriend. Because the truth is, I never had one. On my 28 yrs. existence on this life, I never even have anyone who courted me. Men don’t find me attractive at all; they just find me a competition to them. And I am, because I really can take care of myself. I am a know it all, I love lots of things and I know what I want. I am happy with myself, I used to say that it’s fine with me to be an old maid, but that changed when I experienced that I want someone to love me still. Someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. I’m not complaining the way I’m taking care of my family, I love them and they are the best people I ever had. But sometimes, you tend to feel the what if…the thing I feel right now. People say that I am very much in control but they don’t know that somehow, it was just a shield for a fear. Fear that I will mess up my life and be like my parents. Feel in love with a wrong man. But I know A is not the wrong man…I am the wrong woman. Because I am a liar and how could he forgive me and accept that. So here I am, writing crazy things because I cannot tell anyone what I feel. Maybe someday, but not right now, if I have already move on. I have a pact with God that I will not pursue what I feel, I will not encourage A to also feel in love with me. That is why I did not show any affection for him except as a colleague. I don’t know if I will regret this someday, but sometimes, we have to live by our choices. I know that I will because A is the person that I want to be with someday, he is caring, can cook and do household chores and I know that he is a good person. A person who loves his family is worth fighting for. I also had a pact with God that if A pursues me, it means that we are meant for each other so I will not fight it anymore. I will tell him the truth no matter what it will cost me. But the decision will be on him and not me. But is not, then, I will just have to let go. Maybe someday, I will just look back on this things and it will be just a memory. A good memory. In our farewell event, he thank me for the memories. Maybe, what we have is also just a memory for him. Then so be it. If someday, God put us back together, on a right place and a right time, when both of us are no longer lost, when we already know our true selves and we are not afraid to show it to anyone anymore, then, maybe, we really belong together. But only if and I know that IF only happens in books and we are in real life. So there is no if here, only reality. And reality is to let go…LET GO…and I pray to God that I can do that..no more turning back..if I regret this someday…I just have to live with my decision not to tell him what I feel.
