This is new years’ eve and it’s one of the saddest one for me. I cried because my family (except a sister) does not want to go to a nice place. Maybe they really does not want to go but I know that they just want to make me suffer because of what happened yesterday. I had a quarrel with my sister because her daughter S has tantrums and knowing me who lacks patience told her bad things, things I kept from her because I don’t want her to know and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. And since I am really bad, I had blurted out that because her daughter has many tantrums, she will be a pain in her ass, the reason why she was having a hard time…she really felt bad about it, and then it escalated to anger on which I told her that like mother, like daughter. Her daughter will be pregnant at 16…..I know it’s bad but what is done is done…I know I can’t change anymore…sometimes I feel that I will be a saint if I will not be bad anymore. I even feel that my mom does not care about me because she also does not want to go if my sister will not go. Even my youngest sister has a fit. My bad self wanted to hate them forever. That I can just make them homeless….but then…I’m not really that bad…I know why I’m sad and angry..because I feel betrayed again. This time by not having a normal life anymore…since before…I wanted happiness then I realized you can’t achieve it so I have asked for normalcy instead. Now, in the coming 2009, I will now let them go..let them go…LET MY FAMILY GO…it’s not that I will not help them anymore…it’s just that I’m letting go my LOVE for them..maybe that is why I feel so bad..because I feel that I have loved them too much and in the end, they does not feel the same way for me…
I know they also love me..in their own selfish way..but still..it is not enough for me because I had loved them too much…that is why I am letting go of this feeling…I will just let them be the people that they want to be…at the end..it does not matter if they love me or not…because at the end…we will live by our own choices and I don’t want to be the same person anymore…the person who had loved her father, hated her father and let the love and hate go by being indifferent instead..at the end..I regretted being indifferent to Papa, if only he knows that I loved him still and the love was still at the top of hate…
I don’t want to hate them and be indifferent to them..not to feel anything, so instead of breaking my heart..that I will hate them..I will let this love go..that is why I am writing..to remind myself that ..I am just letting them love me on their own terms and choices…maybe at the end..it will never be enough for me or at the end…they really are selfish and does not love me..but does it really matter? No..it does not…at the end..what matters is that I had been able to love them in a good way and not in a controlling way…so I will just accept their decisions and make mine…because at the end…I don’t own them..they are already old enough to make decisions for themselves..I will not blackmail them…I will not tell them bad words..I will just let them be themselves..even if their choices will led them to regret in the end..because at the end of the day..we lived by our own choices…
That is why I will pursue my dreams abroad..I will not fight my destiny anymore..even if that destiny will led me to make a decision that will eventually separate me to them…because at the end…I would like to have a life of my own someday..a family of my own and I cannot achieve that if I continue to loved them that much..I will let myself love someone outside my family..someone worthy of my love…it doesn’t mean that I does not love them anymore..it just means that I am decreasing my love for them to love others as well the way I loved them…
Because at the end..we does not achieve normality…we only achieve a semblance of it…we does not tell the whole truth 100%, we only tell a semblance of it…So fuck normality..we can only have abnormality…dysfunctionality.
I am not sad anymore…I am half sad..to tell the truth…..I am accepting the dysfunctionality. Life is life…Love is love..to tell otherwise is to tell it was a LIE…A LIE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND A LIE TO LIVE AND DREAM BIG…COZ TRUTH HURTS BUT TRUTH IS THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF FICTION THAT WILL NOT TELL A LIE.
