My Failures

They say that life happens for a reason. Today or this year, it was again my rejections and failures. First, I learned that I was only 4^th in the ranking. Well, it’s fine that A is ahead of me, but Andrew? I don’t think so. How do the bosses grade us? Didn’t my boss considered my efforts especially in the engagement when I overtook the job of delegating and mentoring people? In my PMDP, he graded me 3 in all the criteria. How about people skills? I should be 4 for that since that is my strength. I know I’m not good with communication, I know I am sickly. But one thing I am, I tried to do the things in a right way. Yes…I am also a bad loser…yes..i’m also competitive..and yes…I am plastic. I would like to try a big engagement because it will give me the training I need but then, I think it’s not for me. I know life happens for a reason. I know that there are things God want for me..in store for me. Another one of my mistake..one of the greatest mistake of my life is when I did not pass the exam for a certain company abroad. I should studied for the exam..I should careered it. My pride made me stupid again. A friend offered to help me for the exam and I did not accepted it. I am such an idiot. Why I always end up making the same mistakes I have done in the past? First, my studies, I stopped for 4 yrs. 2^nd, my current job, I did not also passed the exam at the first time in my current job. Third, I always lied to people to covered my pride. I am such a liar….telling everyone that I passed the exam but I did not. But looking back at my past mistakes…it helped me a lot..because in the end… I became successful..I gained new friends..I know I should not question God…but what it is really for me. Doesn’t abroad is for me? If not, what it is? Will I meet the person I will marry on the country I will go to? What it is God? What it is? Maybe, all I need is to relax. Maybe, a big company is not really for me because at the end, my current engagement is much better than a big company. Maybe..abroad is not for me..maybe..I will be accepted at San Francisco. San Francisco is my dream job. I really want to go there. I really want to go to the United States. Please God..I want this too much…I want to go to the US. I’m ok now..the ranking is ok with me..afterall, it’s only a ranking..it does not determine your life. I know I have to be good at communication skills especially English. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to enroll at an English class.

There is also a revelation for me. The subject of the Correspondents, a show in TV Channel 2 is about incest. I don’t know why I’m crying. The truth is, I don’t know if I am victim of one or a victim of child abuse. The truth, there are some things I cannot remember from the past. I don’t know if I want to believe that Tess is a victim of one. But I know that I want to. I also know that somewhere, I know child abuse. I know that I could ether be a victim or a witnessed to it. I also know that someday, I will have the courage to face the truth and talk to a psychologist. I also want to volunteer to PREDA. That’s where the incest victims are treated. I also want to volunteer to the Women’s Desk where all women who are victims of abuse are also treated. I had been one and I had witnessed one for almost 26 yrs. My mom, how she suffers in silence and we all suffer with her. How it affected our life, the life of my sisters and how it made me who I am today. I am a cynic. I know I will not marry anymore. I don’t know if I could give myself to a person..my trust when I don’t want to lose it. I know that I didn’t need to envy a certain friend. A year before, she was not even considered for the promotion. Besides, she is really good. She deserves all the break that she is experiencing right now. Maybe, it’s just my pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. I need to curb it. To be human as possible. Thanks God for all the blessings you have given to me. Thanks for the failures and mistakes.