I am alive

Valentines day had come and gone and I am still the same…single…As I look back to the past years, I realize that there are things that aren’t meant to be…the same with my application abroad…I am frustrated but then what can I do..I cannot go on having this feeling..I know I have to accept reality and fight back. One of my colleagues had already went abroad. He did not pay his loan from me. Why it is that even the fraud people..are successful…is there really a thing called karma?…me..still here..accepting the sad reality. Sometimes, on times like this when I am tired and I’m really down..I feel how unfair life is..first..I watched fated to love you..my god..I am on the low again because of that…I realize that I am already 29 yrs. old  but still no love…I don’t know if my destiny is really not to have anyone..at least other people have experienced how it is to be courted and there are us who don’t…actually it's fine with me if I have no love but then my career is also on the low…I want to leave my present company but I don’t know what I will do after that…I want to invest in a business but I don’t know if I have the guts to take risk to spend all my savings when I have no one to fall back after that..I don't have a father or mother that will take care of me…I only have a sister who can barely take care of herself..a youngest sister who feel so lost..more than what I feel..I want to go abroad..to start anew..to live some of my dreams..especially security..since I know that I can't have that by just marrying a rich man..but still no luck..no one even want to hire me…I really feel so down right now..

Is there really such a thing such as fate..the romantic in me wanted to believe..even for a moment..just for a day, I will not feel as if I need to control my life in order to have the things that I want…I wanted to have a moment wherein I don’t need to think before doing something…just plunge into the unknown..just be human and alive for a moment..but alas..I am still a coward..I cannot still do that..I am afraid to lose control of my life and do a stupid thing..because at the end of the day..I am still an analytical person…I only do daydreams..of someone loving me..sweeping me of my feet..just for one night..make me feel that I can forget my worries and just do something reckless..someone who can be the driver and just take care of me..

It is not that I am tired of taking care of my family…I still want to help them..it’s just that..I wanted to fall in love..hey, I know that I used to say that I have already but I think that is not true..what I feel about A before is only an illusion..it is just that people think we are perfect for each other that I felt the same way too..but then..it died down..so it is not true..What I want is magic..even for a night..

They said be careful what you wished for..cause it may come true..but then I know that what I have is only wishful thinking…I have already wished so many things that did not come true..I wanted to go abroad but I haven’t. Abroad doesn’t want me..I was not even successful here in my country..I also know that love “true and faithful love” is not true..maybe it does come true with other people but in my family..it did not give us anything..only betrayal..hatred and anger..Maybe there are people who are really lucky..who fall in love with the right person and have their feelings reciprocated but not on my family…so how can I believe or know if there is one..even if there really is..when I don’t believe in that thing anymore…I just want to feel it for a day..and if tomorrow I wake up and reality sinks in..that what I really know as truth is the truth..then at least..I can say that I have at least a day…

But then, maybe I was only affected by the series..and the series is only a story on TV…maybe the truth is..even if I look fierce in the outside, even if I look so happy and strong..I am also like other women..wishing it to happen to me..

But then, even if this doesn’t happen..at least I know that it is not because I am unlucky..its just that there are some things you just can’t force to happen..that there are some sacrifices in life and love..that sometimes there are who have everything and there are us who have to strive the hardest to achieve their dreams..people like me..

A friend doesn’t have it too but at least, she has her father and family who supports her in every endeavor she want…I also have mine..who loves me in their weirdest way..or maybe cannot give the correct or right amount of love and affection..that I think I need..but in their own way..I know they loved me....

I came from a family who doesn’t even build on love but rather on just being together..of being afraid to be alone ..a family with history of physical and verbal abuses and people marrying for the wrong reasons..maybe…that is why..I cannot feel it and the same with them..maybe that is why all of us have issues when it comes to dependency, love, commitment and many intimacy feelings..but I understand it..sometimes I just accept it..tolerate it and learned not to ask for something more..sometimes..I ask for more.when I am being human and let my emotions get in the way of me..emotions that lead me to anger and stress..and danger…and guilt and a lot of negative and bad things…that is why I now know how true the saying that if you are the master of your emotions..then you are the master of your life..

 

That is why even if I feel as if I am unattractive and no one even want to court me..I know that it is not true..because I am a beautiful person.even if I look so strong..I am also weak and romantic..I am a good person..maybe not in everyday but still find time to be one..I know that if a person will know me..I am a credit to someone…I am intelligent and at least I can take care of myself..but being alone is is still a blessing..because at the end of the day..I am afraid still to love…coz I know that there are many issues within myself that I need to resolve..issues that was within myself even when I was a little girl..years of abuses and hatred…issues of being incapable of letting go..of wanting still to embrace the past..and not let it go..I know I need to..so maybe..being alone is better for me..because at the end..life is not a fairytale..maybe other lives are..maybe..some people find that something…something magical..but there are also others like me…who only hopes and prays that someday..life will turn out better for us…maybe not the best..just a better life..having achieved some dreams even if not all of it..a little bit is enough….because people like us can’t be choosy..

I just want to have security..invest on a home..that is why I want to go to abroad..I only want a peaceful life..a business I love..selling and reading books…writing stuff like these..writing about people’s lives..writing some novels…watching the movies and series that I want…guiding people…talking with people..reaching out to abused children and just being true to myself…my name..I am 29 yrs. old..yes..I am already older..I stopped after secondary school for 4 yrs…My father was an alcoholic, gambler, abuser and irresponsible person when he was still alive..but now I understand him..he was also a victim of a not so loving family..an abusive environment…the truth that I am afraid to lose control and be like him..to die without even doing the things that I love to do…and yes…I want to let go of the pain even if the past will still haunt me..and yes…I am alive.