Tonight, as I was facing my computer, my two eyes are misty because of crying. I am crying a lot, a lot, a lot. A little while before, I am actually contemplating the biggest decision of my life. Dying......
I went home at exactly 6:30pm, and I need to go home..to get out of the office..the confines of work...I need to get out..because otherwise..I'll die..of shame and guilt, of self disgust and eventually, shame because I need to cry. I cannot lose control in the office..I cannot cry..people will think that I am a cry baby...I have a reputation to uphold..people think I am weak...I am a manager after all and a manager will crumble? I will be the laughingstock of the office..the grapevine...the only time I cried was when my father died..and its not even in front of everyone..it's on the ladies room..I crumpled on the tiles...I wanted to shout but I can't...because the numbness is still a shock...hearing the only man you have ever loved and hated is already died..at first...I cannot comprehend..Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt that has been eating me inside since the day I decided to hate rather than love and forgive..the day I decided to be materialistic rather than be supporting...they say..you regret the past until it became a past..alas it's true...I am ashamed telling this...my family doesn't even know this..I pretended I did not know because it is much better..that you doesn't know..but I can't anymore..I can't...I need to get this out from my system...that until the end..I became the person that I don't want to be..at the end...I choose my work over my father..you see...I denied it in front of everyone..I even denied it to myself..telling myself that everything is a plan of God..that what is past is past..that my father's dying has nothing to do with what I have done...but disgustedly..it is the truth..the truth is..even if I continue to swear my innocence..even if I continue to tell my mom that it is her fault I was not with my dad when he dies...the truth is..I know..I know that he is dying but I ignored it..I ignored it because I believe he will not die..that the text message I received from my sister is just a joke...A JOKE..I am the joke...my sister text me..4 hrs before my father died in that hospital...she told me that my father is really dying..that he is really suffering..but I ignored it...I ignore the feeling..I embraced the hate..he is an immortal man..no immortal will die without even asking for forgiveness..his life will be meaningless if he dies..God will still let him live..because he is a sinner..and sinners don't die young...but at the end...the only reason that I ignored it is because I don't feel a thing about it...I did not believe...If only..I believed...If only I went there to give him his forgiveness..maybe..I will not be this person...what did I become..a shallow person who only enjoys adoration and gives advices..wise advises but ignored the truth..that I am a shallow person.....in the end..I even chose my job over my dad......
Judge me if you can..I will now speak the truth..the secret that has been haunting since the day my father died. Why did I become this person..incapable of loving...incapable of being happy....I thought I could get happiness from my job..if I become a manager..but in the end..why I still feel the shallowness inside my heart...is it because I feel so ashamed..that the only thing I am good at is not really the thing that I'm good at?
Yes..I failed even my job...the job that I had loved over my dad. Failure is never easy..it's really shameful..to dedicate your life to doing the right thing and in the end..the irony will struck you down..because when you only fail for one time..that is the greatest failure of your life. It is only one engagement..but that engagement completely erase my sanity...yes..I wanted to die a while ago..when I am crossing the street..something came to my mind..what if I just let myself be hit by cars....I am a coward..I did not do it...because really...it's only my pride...dying for a job..this is ridiculous...my dad died without me telling that I forgive him and in the end, I loved him...now..that job is not really the worth it...because family are the people that will love you no matter what but a job is just a job.
10 yrs ago, I am in ground zero. I decided to gave up being hopeless and live again for my dreams...but those were material dreams...only material dreams...after 10 yrs..I am going to decide to live again..but this time..for the truth..for my real dreams...for the things that I really need in life and not what I wanted...I don't know what will happen..I don't know if I will be happy at the end..but right now..I wanted to be a writer..this is what I really want for my life.....a creator of dreams..a person who love herself not because people love her but because she really is happy with herself. Maybe..10 yrs ago..I chose the wrong path..10 yrs from now..maybe i will change the path that I decided to take upon starting my 30th bday.
