I am now at rest and on a half day sick leave because my endometriosis strikes again. When I was 13, I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance, a very common disorder among women. I have heavy menstrual period that last for almost a week and I really suffered a lot from it. That's why, I always dread periods, instead of its symbol as the joy of being a woman, it became a liability to me. I even contemplated hysterectomy at age 30. Not yet married, single and never been with a man, this decision is really a big leap for me. I really don't want to suffer anymore. All I wanted was just the peace and tranquility, the joy of living without suffering every month. I am suffering for almost 17 yrs. now with this disorder. I have already one surgery and five blood transfusion. Been in and out of the hospital for most of my latter life.
I have suffered most of my lifetime to a lot of things, child abuse, poverty, dysfunctional family, loss, hatred, anger and now, this disorder. Sometimes, I ask God why me? I tried to become a better person everyday, I may not be perfect but I don't disobey. I always try to do the right thing but sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want to shout. F**** this life.
Then you see other people like you, eventhough you don't want to compare your life with them, you cannot help it. I know everyone has a story to tell, life is not what it seems. But then, you see theirs as perfect, or at least 90% perfect. You tend to look down at yourself, evaluate life and feel alone and discouraged. You feel an anger towards destiny who wouldn't want you to be better, you feel an anger towards life in general, who doesn't want you to be happy. You question your creator who seems very happy with your suffering. You question yourself, if there are things you should have done better and this is just a result of karma.
But then, you always come back to reality. You always come back to your creator. You always come back to acceptance. Because to suffer and have this attitude will only make you suffer. It will not do good for me, there's no other way but to accept. That life isn't perfect and mine is a testament of it. That sometimes, there are things that happen on which you have no control over it, there are people who are nasty on which you cannot change and there is the future on which you don't know yet. But there is present on which you can at least be happy and happiness is futile without acceptance. Besides, you only see people that is above you and never beneath you or at least parallel with you. Then you will know that you are not alone. That there are others who suffer, from the same poverty, from the same disorder, from the same life and heartaches. And others are even worst, they are stuck with that sufferings and still cannot go out. But you have the option to get out and I did.
I did get out from everything, I still remembers but I choose to forgive and accept. Forgive life, forgive people. Accept life, accept people. I choose not to be a victim of this disorder and other things that happened in my life. I choose to become the victor and I will be. Because at the end, life is not about being a victim, of suffering but rather life is about change, for the better, for the life you wanted and you deserve.
Here are the links of the site that had helped me cope up with this disorder.
http://www.endo-resolved.com/heal.html http://www.womens-health.co.uk/endo6.html
Hope that someday, we will have a better life free from this disorder.
