Not knowing

I am now at home and I did not go to work. I really feel bad because of my cough and I have colds. But then my restlessness have pondered me to read books, novels, romantic stuff and ..I dreamed about it again. I feel that I wanted to fall in love. Having one man to take care of you, love you. But then, who am I kidding? I am already 29 yrs. old, my bday have passed and I still have no one. I know what is wrong with me, I know men are intimidated by me. I am such an enigma to them. I bet if I only given a colleague the approval when he was flirting with me, I could be the one who is with him and not his wife right now. But then I know I will only have to live with the people’s expectations of me. Because he is a good catch and I wouldn’t know if I want him because I like him or just because he is a good catch. Maybe, I really don’t know what is love. I am such a cynic for 29 yrs. and I now know that what I feel about A before is something like “he is a good catch and we look good together” thing but it is not love. Because love is what I feel for my family, that even if I feel that their love is not enough, that I am frustrated because I am the breadwinner and they keep on clinging to me, I am still here. With them because I love them.

Sometimes, I just want to feel that thing, that thing they called “love”. How it is to fall in love? Be with a man, share your joys and sorrows. I don’t know that, I don’t have that “intimacy” with a man. Why? Maybe because of my past. I was never been close to my father and what I feel for him before is more of hate than love. It was only when he died that I felt that what I feel is love. Because I was hurt by the betrayal and hurt steams from love.

I don’t know what I will do now. People at the office said that I will be promoted but I don’t know if I will believe them.

I hope my sister will not think of resignation. At the end, she is still fragile. If things go bad, she still crumbles. I hope my friend will find time to love herself and see what she needs to do to achieve her dreams. I hope that my other sister will be strong and have peace with her past and try to be more independent. I hope that life for us will be better in the future. I am not asking for the best life. A better life is fine. Even if I became successful to my career and not even have a love life. I want to have a kid someday but I will settle for a career right now. I don’t know if God will give us the right man that will love us someday but I hope my sister and friend will have that. Because I know that with my sister, she want it too. But we still don’t know what the future holds for us. And that is the beauty of the future, you really don’t know.

I am alive

Valentines day had come and gone and I am still the same…single…As I look back to the past years, I realize that there are things that aren’t meant to be…the same with my application abroad…I am frustrated but then what can I do..I cannot go on having this feeling..I know I have to accept reality and fight back. One of my colleagues had already went abroad. He did not pay his loan from me. Why it is that even the fraud people..are successful…is there really a thing called karma?…me..still here..accepting the sad reality. Sometimes, on times like this when I am tired and I’m really down..I feel how unfair life is..first..I watched fated to love you..my god..I am on the low again because of that…I realize that I am already 29 yrs. old  but still no love…I don’t know if my destiny is really not to have anyone..at least other people have experienced how it is to be courted and there are us who don’t…actually it's fine with me if I have no love but then my career is also on the low…I want to leave my present company but I don’t know what I will do after that…I want to invest in a business but I don’t know if I have the guts to take risk to spend all my savings when I have no one to fall back after that..I don't have a father or mother that will take care of me…I only have a sister who can barely take care of herself..a youngest sister who feel so lost..more than what I feel..I want to go abroad..to start anew..to live some of my dreams..especially security..since I know that I can't have that by just marrying a rich man..but still no luck..no one even want to hire me…I really feel so down right now..

Is there really such a thing such as fate..the romantic in me wanted to believe..even for a moment..just for a day, I will not feel as if I need to control my life in order to have the things that I want…I wanted to have a moment wherein I don’t need to think before doing something…just plunge into the unknown..just be human and alive for a moment..but alas..I am still a coward..I cannot still do that..I am afraid to lose control of my life and do a stupid thing..because at the end of the day..I am still an analytical person…I only do daydreams..of someone loving me..sweeping me of my feet..just for one night..make me feel that I can forget my worries and just do something reckless..someone who can be the driver and just take care of me..

It is not that I am tired of taking care of my family…I still want to help them..it’s just that..I wanted to fall in love..hey, I know that I used to say that I have already but I think that is not true..what I feel about A before is only an illusion..it is just that people think we are perfect for each other that I felt the same way too..but then..it died down..so it is not true..What I want is magic..even for a night..

They said be careful what you wished for..cause it may come true..but then I know that what I have is only wishful thinking…I have already wished so many things that did not come true..I wanted to go abroad but I haven’t. Abroad doesn’t want me..I was not even successful here in my country..I also know that love “true and faithful love” is not true..maybe it does come true with other people but in my family..it did not give us anything..only betrayal..hatred and anger..Maybe there are people who are really lucky..who fall in love with the right person and have their feelings reciprocated but not on my family…so how can I believe or know if there is one..even if there really is..when I don’t believe in that thing anymore…I just want to feel it for a day..and if tomorrow I wake up and reality sinks in..that what I really know as truth is the truth..then at least..I can say that I have at least a day…

But then, maybe I was only affected by the series..and the series is only a story on TV…maybe the truth is..even if I look fierce in the outside, even if I look so happy and strong..I am also like other women..wishing it to happen to me..

But then, even if this doesn’t happen..at least I know that it is not because I am unlucky..its just that there are some things you just can’t force to happen..that there are some sacrifices in life and love..that sometimes there are who have everything and there are us who have to strive the hardest to achieve their dreams..people like me..

A friend doesn’t have it too but at least, she has her father and family who supports her in every endeavor she want…I also have mine..who loves me in their weirdest way..or maybe cannot give the correct or right amount of love and affection..that I think I need..but in their own way..I know they loved me....

I came from a family who doesn’t even build on love but rather on just being together..of being afraid to be alone ..a family with history of physical and verbal abuses and people marrying for the wrong reasons..maybe…that is why..I cannot feel it and the same with them..maybe that is why all of us have issues when it comes to dependency, love, commitment and many intimacy feelings..but I understand it..sometimes I just accept it..tolerate it and learned not to ask for something more..sometimes..I ask for more.when I am being human and let my emotions get in the way of me..emotions that lead me to anger and stress..and danger…and guilt and a lot of negative and bad things…that is why I now know how true the saying that if you are the master of your emotions..then you are the master of your life..

 

That is why even if I feel as if I am unattractive and no one even want to court me..I know that it is not true..because I am a beautiful person.even if I look so strong..I am also weak and romantic..I am a good person..maybe not in everyday but still find time to be one..I know that if a person will know me..I am a credit to someone…I am intelligent and at least I can take care of myself..but being alone is is still a blessing..because at the end of the day..I am afraid still to love…coz I know that there are many issues within myself that I need to resolve..issues that was within myself even when I was a little girl..years of abuses and hatred…issues of being incapable of letting go..of wanting still to embrace the past..and not let it go..I know I need to..so maybe..being alone is better for me..because at the end..life is not a fairytale..maybe other lives are..maybe..some people find that something…something magical..but there are also others like me…who only hopes and prays that someday..life will turn out better for us…maybe not the best..just a better life..having achieved some dreams even if not all of it..a little bit is enough….because people like us can’t be choosy..

I just want to have security..invest on a home..that is why I want to go to abroad..I only want a peaceful life..a business I love..selling and reading books…writing stuff like these..writing about people’s lives..writing some novels…watching the movies and series that I want…guiding people…talking with people..reaching out to abused children and just being true to myself…my name..I am 29 yrs. old..yes..I am already older..I stopped after secondary school for 4 yrs…My father was an alcoholic, gambler, abuser and irresponsible person when he was still alive..but now I understand him..he was also a victim of a not so loving family..an abusive environment…the truth that I am afraid to lose control and be like him..to die without even doing the things that I love to do…and yes…I want to let go of the pain even if the past will still haunt me..and yes…I am alive.

My Failures

They say that life happens for a reason. Today or this year, it was again my rejections and failures. First, I learned that I was only 4^th in the ranking. Well, it’s fine that A is ahead of me, but Andrew? I don’t think so. How do the bosses grade us? Didn’t my boss considered my efforts especially in the engagement when I overtook the job of delegating and mentoring people? In my PMDP, he graded me 3 in all the criteria. How about people skills? I should be 4 for that since that is my strength. I know I’m not good with communication, I know I am sickly. But one thing I am, I tried to do the things in a right way. Yes…I am also a bad loser…yes..i’m also competitive..and yes…I am plastic. I would like to try a big engagement because it will give me the training I need but then, I think it’s not for me. I know life happens for a reason. I know that there are things God want for me..in store for me. Another one of my mistake..one of the greatest mistake of my life is when I did not pass the exam for a certain company abroad. I should studied for the exam..I should careered it. My pride made me stupid again. A friend offered to help me for the exam and I did not accepted it. I am such an idiot. Why I always end up making the same mistakes I have done in the past? First, my studies, I stopped for 4 yrs. 2^nd, my current job, I did not also passed the exam at the first time in my current job. Third, I always lied to people to covered my pride. I am such a liar….telling everyone that I passed the exam but I did not. But looking back at my past mistakes…it helped me a lot..because in the end… I became successful..I gained new friends..I know I should not question God…but what it is really for me. Doesn’t abroad is for me? If not, what it is? Will I meet the person I will marry on the country I will go to? What it is God? What it is? Maybe, all I need is to relax. Maybe, a big company is not really for me because at the end, my current engagement is much better than a big company. Maybe..abroad is not for me..maybe..I will be accepted at San Francisco. San Francisco is my dream job. I really want to go there. I really want to go to the United States. Please God..I want this too much…I want to go to the US. I’m ok now..the ranking is ok with me..afterall, it’s only a ranking..it does not determine your life. I know I have to be good at communication skills especially English. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to enroll at an English class.

There is also a revelation for me. The subject of the Correspondents, a show in TV Channel 2 is about incest. I don’t know why I’m crying. The truth is, I don’t know if I am victim of one or a victim of child abuse. The truth, there are some things I cannot remember from the past. I don’t know if I want to believe that Tess is a victim of one. But I know that I want to. I also know that somewhere, I know child abuse. I know that I could ether be a victim or a witnessed to it. I also know that someday, I will have the courage to face the truth and talk to a psychologist. I also want to volunteer to PREDA. That’s where the incest victims are treated. I also want to volunteer to the Women’s Desk where all women who are victims of abuse are also treated. I had been one and I had witnessed one for almost 26 yrs. My mom, how she suffers in silence and we all suffer with her. How it affected our life, the life of my sisters and how it made me who I am today. I am a cynic. I know I will not marry anymore. I don’t know if I could give myself to a person..my trust when I don’t want to lose it. I know that I didn’t need to envy a certain friend. A year before, she was not even considered for the promotion. Besides, she is really good. She deserves all the break that she is experiencing right now. Maybe, it’s just my pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. I need to curb it. To be human as possible. Thanks God for all the blessings you have given to me. Thanks for the failures and mistakes.