Not knowing

I am now at home and I did not go to work. I really feel bad because of my cough and I have colds. But then my restlessness have pondered me to read books, novels, romantic stuff and ..I dreamed about it again. I feel that I wanted to fall in love. Having one man to take care of you, love you. But then, who am I kidding? I am already 29 yrs. old, my bday have passed and I still have no one. I know what is wrong with me, I know men are intimidated by me. I am such an enigma to them. I bet if I only given a colleague the approval when he was flirting with me, I could be the one who is with him and not his wife right now. But then I know I will only have to live with the people’s expectations of me. Because he is a good catch and I wouldn’t know if I want him because I like him or just because he is a good catch. Maybe, I really don’t know what is love. I am such a cynic for 29 yrs. and I now know that what I feel about A before is something like “he is a good catch and we look good together” thing but it is not love. Because love is what I feel for my family, that even if I feel that their love is not enough, that I am frustrated because I am the breadwinner and they keep on clinging to me, I am still here. With them because I love them.

Sometimes, I just want to feel that thing, that thing they called “love”. How it is to fall in love? Be with a man, share your joys and sorrows. I don’t know that, I don’t have that “intimacy” with a man. Why? Maybe because of my past. I was never been close to my father and what I feel for him before is more of hate than love. It was only when he died that I felt that what I feel is love. Because I was hurt by the betrayal and hurt steams from love.

I don’t know what I will do now. People at the office said that I will be promoted but I don’t know if I will believe them.

I hope my sister will not think of resignation. At the end, she is still fragile. If things go bad, she still crumbles. I hope my friend will find time to love herself and see what she needs to do to achieve her dreams. I hope that my other sister will be strong and have peace with her past and try to be more independent. I hope that life for us will be better in the future. I am not asking for the best life. A better life is fine. Even if I became successful to my career and not even have a love life. I want to have a kid someday but I will settle for a career right now. I don’t know if God will give us the right man that will love us someday but I hope my sister and friend will have that. Because I know that with my sister, she want it too. But we still don’t know what the future holds for us. And that is the beauty of the future, you really don’t know.