Truth and Lies

This is new years’ eve and it’s one of the saddest one for me. I cried because my family (except a sister) does not want to go to a nice place. Maybe they really does not want to go but I know that they just want to make me suffer because of what happened yesterday. I had a quarrel with my sister because her daughter S has tantrums and knowing me who lacks patience told her bad things, things I kept from her because I don’t want her to know and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. And since I am really bad, I had blurted out that because her daughter has many tantrums, she will be a pain in her ass, the reason why she was having a hard time…she really felt bad about it, and then it escalated to anger on which I told her that like mother, like daughter.  Her daughter will be pregnant at 16…..I know it’s bad but what is done is done…I know I can’t change anymore…sometimes I feel that I will be a saint if I will not be bad anymore.   I even feel that my mom does not care about me because she also does not want to go if my sister will not go. Even my youngest sister has a fit. My bad self wanted to hate them forever. That I can just make them homeless….but then…I’m not really that bad…I know why I’m sad and angry..because I feel betrayed again. This time by not having a normal life anymore…since before…I wanted happiness then I realized you can’t achieve it so I have asked for normalcy instead. Now, in the coming 2009, I will now let them go..let them go…LET MY FAMILY GO…it’s not that I will not help them anymore…it’s just that I’m letting go my LOVE for them..maybe that is why I feel so bad..because I feel that I have loved them too much and in the end, they does not feel the same way for me…

I know they also love me..in their own selfish way..but still..it is not enough for me because I had loved them too much…that is why I am letting go of this feeling…I will just let them be the people that they want to be…at the end..it does not matter if they love me or not…because at the end…we will live by our own choices and I don’t want to be the same person anymore…the person who had loved her father, hated her father and let the love and hate go by being indifferent instead..at the end..I regretted being indifferent to Papa, if only he knows that I loved him still and the love was still at the top of hate…

I don’t want to hate them and be indifferent to them..not to feel anything, so instead of breaking my heart..that I will hate them..I will let this love go..that is why I am writing..to remind myself that ..I am just letting them love me on their own terms and choices…maybe at the end..it will never be enough for me or at the end…they really are selfish and does not love me..but does it really matter? No..it does not…at the end..what matters is that I had been able to love them in a good way and not in a controlling way…so I will just accept their decisions and make mine…because at the end…I don’t own them..they are already old enough to make decisions for themselves..I will not blackmail them…I will not tell them bad words..I will just let them be themselves..even if their choices will led them to regret in the end..because at the end of the day..we lived by our own choices…

That is why I will pursue my dreams abroad..I will not fight my destiny anymore..even if that destiny will led me to make a decision that will eventually separate me to them…because at the end…I would like to have a life of my own someday..a family of my own and I cannot achieve that if I continue to loved them that much..I will let myself love someone outside my family..someone worthy of my love…it doesn’t mean that I does not love them anymore..it just means that I am decreasing my love for them to love others as well the way I loved them…

Because at the end..we does not achieve normality…we only achieve a semblance of it…we does not tell the whole truth 100%, we only tell a semblance of it…So fuck normality..we can only have abnormality…dysfunctionality.

I am not sad anymore…I am half sad..to tell the truth…..I am accepting the dysfunctionality. Life is life…Love is love..to tell otherwise is to tell it was a LIE…A LIE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND A LIE TO LIVE AND DREAM BIG…COZ TRUTH HURTS BUT TRUTH IS THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF FICTION THAT WILL NOT TELL A LIE.

Another failure and Unfairness of life

Today, another failure had happened to me. I now confirmed my suspicions that I did not pass the interview. It’s really hard accepting reality. I cried a lot and I cannot tell anyone because I am ashamed to tell everyone that I am a loser pretending to be a winner. I am such an idiot. I did not know why I did not passed it…is it because of my voice? Is it because of my English? I really don’t know…whatever it is..it only means one thing..I am not for that company..and what it is for me? US? UK? Australia?

I admit…I’m really jealous of my colleagues success…coz why me? I have done everything...answered all the questions..but they just don't want me, it's just plain and simple as that..whatever it is…I can't do anything about it anymore..

I am ok with rejections..since I was a child..my father rejected my offer of love, after graduation from secondary school, I was rejected by the schools I have applied, only college is the best thing that happened in my life..after college..I was rejected by company I want to work with..I pursue it again, and at the end, they have given me a chance….and now…I was rejected by another company and another company..and I was also rejected by other firms that I applied with…but still..it's not yet the end of the world..I’m tired of fighting my destiny…it's better to accept reality..that even if I cried a thousand tears...I can't do anything…maybe there are others like Andy who gossip people, who is a fraud but still wins..there is me who tries to mentor people..to be the role model of my staff..who treats them equally but loses..there is another colleague who had a good family, a loving, kind and rich boyfriend and there is me who has no love life..as in zero..who does not even had a relationship or not even experienced someone courting me, who had a very lousy life, who had an alcoholic, gambler, smoker, miser and abusive father, a dad who died without even knowing how I feel, a dad I hated all those years and died without knowing that I loved him..even in the end..

A sister who in order to escape an abusive uncle who sexually molested her, married young to escape the truth, an older sister who has obsessive compulsive behavior manifested by control issues since she wants to escape reality due to a sexual molestation she experienced as a child, a youngest sister who wanted to escape reality by clinging to her pride in such a tight way, and a mom who wanted to escape reality and the abused as a wife by pretending that everything is ok and nothing had happened and now me, a 28 yr. old woman who wanted to escape reality by pretending I’m 25 yrs.old, already had an experience with a boyfriend who had loved me once, a web of lies I don’t know if I can get out…

Now who says life is fair….coz now I am a loser still…

In the end..as usual..I will accept this coz it’s better this way..I had already cried and I think..maybe..I was really born a loser and I will die as one..coz even if I dream big..I still lose….

Man's rejection is God's direction

Today, a lot of people in the office are going to apply abroad. If they will be accepted, I will be the only one left in our batch. I don’t want to but I was rejected by that company. Actually, it’s my fault too because I did not pass the exam. If I could only die, I will. I am so stupid but even if I cried a thousand tears, I cannot bring back the lost opportunity. Oh my God, I am having self-pity again. Why me Lord? Why you are always testing me? It was always been the same for me, failures then success. Then, failure and I hope after this, success. I will not lose hope. I will fight back. I will apply to every company there is. I will surrender my life to you. Just help me go to other countries, whatever it is. I’m ok with it God. Does I really need to have rejection to know what I really want to do with my life? In the homily, Man’s rejection is God’s direction…what is mine Lord? What is my direction? Please lead me to my direction. I’m really clueless. I don’t know what to do. I want to become a writer but I don’t know if I can write. I want to be a lawyer but I don’t have the resources/money to pursue it. I only want to invest a home for my family, my future. That is why I want to go to other country. I want to have a new life in a new place. Begin anew. That company is really the answer but sadly, I blew it up. So here I am, back to zero again. Don’t know what to do.

I just want to go to other countries especially US but I’m really depressed right now. I had applied to a lot of firm but no one is contacting me. Please help me…I am imploring you. Just give me a chance. I am already 28 yrs. old. I haven’t invested anything. I don’t have a love life..my career is going down. I will not be promoted next year. I know for a fact that life does not give you everything. Maybe, there are others who have everything, but there are us who had to work hard to make a living. To live with our dreams. To fly with broken wings. I know that what I feel for A is just a fleeting moment of insanity. I did love him but he does not feel the same way. This is a one sided love and I hate it. But I will survive. I had before…with the first man I love..my father…I had hated him for such a long-time that I did not allow myself to fall-in love and have crushes on anyone. And when I let down my guard, boom…A stole my heart…but look at us…just a memory..a good memory and that is what it will remain. Since I now know what is love, I now resigned myself to become a matron, an old lady without a man. So just give me back my dreams…I don’t care if I will be lonely someday…I cannot have everything. Just don’t let me on the dead end..no Love, no Career. I will surely die God.

My First Love

This is the day that I will never forget because it was the last day of A. A is my greatest secret and no one knows it but only me. At the office, I’m so good pretending I don’t care about him, as if he doesn’t exist. But the truth is that I had already fallen in love with him. Actually, I don’t know if this is love….I can’t define what love is. It was not even a physical attraction because he was not my ideal man. He is not handsome or tall and he has a dark complexion. Dark complexion is fine with me coz I am fair skinned but I like tall men. His eye looks like he came from Arabic descent, piercing while I like men who had expressive eyes. It was one of my fetish. The eyes. I also like men who are funny and extrovert and he is not. I really don’t know what happened between us. When I worked with him in an engagement, that is when I start to noticed him. Before, I really did not feel anything about him. He was not even my crush. Maybe, that is what love is. You’ll never know when it struck you and maybe, there is really a possibility that if two persons are working together, a man and woman, there is a possibility that they will develop a feeling for each other. I don’t know when it started, I can’t remember but all I know is that I started to have dreams about him…about us together. Sometimes, those dreams are even naughty ones…sexual fantasies and stuff. I’m really ashamed talking about this to another person because A had already a girlfriend and they are together for 4 yrs. now. I’m not really attracted to him but when he is around, it’s like there is a chemical element that makes me giddy. Sometimes, I questioned myself that maybe it is only hormones in my part. But I only feel this thing when he is around me. It’s like there is a chemical reaction when we touch. My god, I really can’t explain it in word. I used to analyze my feelings. I don’t like to feel this way to another person because I wanted to control my life. Maybe I was only attracted to his attitude with life. You see, A is a very responsible person…he loves his family and he takes care of his siblings. If you know me better, you will know that one of my greatest fear is to fall in love with a man like my father. Who never treats my mother in a respectful way. And I guess my attraction with A steams from that, because he is an exact opposite of my father. He is introvert and very responsible. Even if his salary is not enough, he is still helping his siblings with their studies and he is the breadwinner of his family. His father is only a policeman. What I also like about A is that he is kind and always ready to lend a hand. He does not imbibe in drinks (I don’t know if this is true but this is what I only see on him). We are very much different…he is into sports and I am not. I am a nature lover and he is not. I love talking to people and he is afraid to tell his deepest secret and soul to anyone. In some way, we are alike on that one. Because I also have so many secrets that I can’t tell to anyone…not even the closest friends. In some way, we complement each other. It’s like our mind are sometimes synchronize and somehow, we even like the same things. I noticed that we both like seafood but our likeness comes from the way we both love our respective families.

I know that I am an idiot rambling about things but I know that what I feel about him is true because I haven’t feel this way about anyone before. He is the first man I feel in love with and that is why, I cannot tell it to anyone. It’s embarrassing especially the fact that I feel in love with a man 4 yrs. younger than me, has a weird sense of humor and most of all, already had a girlfriend of 4 yrs. What will my friends think of me, I am like the rock of true sense and I fall from the pit myself.

But sometimes God put a joke to us we don’t know what it is. Just last night, I learned that he is already broken up with his girlfriend. A friend told me and I pretended that I don’t care but there is a spark of hope in my heart. Then, again, I fall back into reality. What I feel about A and what he feels about me (this, I didn’t know and I don’t want to find out) is irrelevant. I know I’m good in giving advice and I need one right now. When my friend told me what his past love did to her and I have seen how devastated she is, I told her to confront the guy and ask him why? But I cannot do it. They said that women had great instincts and I feel that somehow, A feel something about me. It is in the way he talks and stares at me. I don’t know, I am afraid to know the truth. Because knowing the truth will really devastate me. Because even if (only even if) there is something between us, it will never be a reality. I had done things I should never have. Lied to him and others and my greatest lie is my age. They all think (even he) that I am only 25 yrs. old, a year younger than him. I lied about my first boyfriend that never existed. The name exists and the person exists but he is not my boyfriend. Because the truth is, I never had one. On my 28 yrs. existence on this life, I never even have anyone who courted me. Men don’t find me attractive at all; they just find me a competition to them. And I am, because I really can take care of myself. I am a know it all, I love lots of things and I know what I want. I am happy with myself, I used to say that it’s fine with me to be an old maid, but that changed when I experienced that I want someone to love me still. Someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. I’m not complaining the way I’m taking care of my family, I love them and they are the best people I ever had. But sometimes, you tend to feel the what if…the thing I feel right now. People say that I am very much in control but they don’t know that somehow, it was just a shield for a fear. Fear that I will mess up my life and be like my parents. Feel in love with a wrong man. But I know A is not the wrong man…I am the wrong woman. Because I am a liar and how could he forgive me and accept that. So here I am, writing crazy things because I cannot tell anyone what I feel. Maybe someday, but not right now, if I have already move on. I have a pact with God that I will not pursue what I feel, I will not encourage A to also feel in love with me. That is why I did not show any affection for him except as a colleague. I don’t know if I will regret this someday, but sometimes, we have to live by our choices. I know that I will because A is the person that I want to be with someday, he is caring, can cook and do household chores and I know that he is a good person. A person who loves his family is worth fighting for. I also had a pact with God that if A pursues me, it means that we are meant for each other so I will not fight it anymore. I will tell him the truth no matter what it will cost me. But the decision will be on him and not me. But is not, then, I will just have to let go. Maybe someday, I will just look back on this things and it will be just a memory. A good memory. In our farewell event, he thank me for the memories. Maybe, what we have is also just a memory for him. Then so be it. If someday, God put us back together, on a right place and a right time, when both of us are no longer lost, when we already know our true selves and we are not afraid to show it to anyone anymore, then, maybe, we really belong together. But only if and I know that IF only happens in books and we are in real life. So there is no if here, only reality. And reality is to let go…LET GO…and I pray to God that I can do that..no more turning back..if I regret this someday…I just have to live with my decision not to tell him what I feel.

A Secret Life

I just don't know how I could say this. I really had a problem with myself. I has a violent streak that if I will not be treated could really led to a lot of miserable things for myself and my loved ones. You see, I always been a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. But that goodness was marked by a character that even if I tried to change or I know that I am but can't able to suppress is my tendency to be extreme on a fit of anger. Well, anger is not new to me. All my life, I felt that. Anger towards my father that led me to hatred. Anger because he is a miser and don't want to provide us well. Take note the word "don't" rather than "can't". He will rather choose to live in poverty and let his family suffer from it rather than have a blue collar job. For him, a blue collar job is beneath his capacity. You see, he is a genius college drop-out.

Then, he has many vices, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling and most of all, violence. Yes, he is violent. And as a child, I suffered from it. We all suffered from it. My mom is a member of the "violence club". Violence not only physical but the most damaging of all is the verbal emotional attacks. Some of you will be shocked that until the end of my fathers' life, my mom is still there, on his side. I was not on his side when he died, because until the end, I was not able to forgive him and he was not able to ask for that forgiveness. That will be the hanging ending to our story. A story of violence, love and hatred. Love? Because somehow, I know he did loved us. He is not a monster that I know and don't want to forget. He is just a coward until the end and I am still a bitter person at that end. I will always regret it till this day. If only I could turn back time, I will put an end to it. I will give him the forgiveness. But sometimes, forgiving is not enough. It will never be enough. It's the forgetting part which is the hardest part. Hardest because at the end, you still remembers everything. The every detail of it. It is like a movie scenario on your mind. Or maybe, I still holds on to it. A leading talk show host once said that every person who suffers something tragic in their life is a hypocrite to say that they have forgive and forget. Maybe forgive but you can't forget. Actually, the can't should be won't. Because sometimes, we wouldn't like to forget because we want some affirmation in our life that it really happened. Since family violence is something that was seldom talked about. Seldom discussed as topics on any conversations. and sometimes, it was even assessed as part of life. If you open a discussion of it to someone else, the reaction would be just an "ohh" and a sad face. Then the topic will be closed. As if it's a disease no one wants to know. No suggestions, no empathies. Sometimes, we don't even talk about this to friends. I don't. Until today, no one of my friends know about this. Not even the closest ones. Because as a child of family violence, I feel ashamed just to talk about it. Feel ashamed for the person who have done this to me, a family member, a love one, a dad who should protect you from harm. That person's blood is my blood. And his shame is mine.

Some psychologist said that children of violence tend to become two persons, either you became a very good peaceful and loving individual or you will become like the person who had hurt you. And sadly, I became the exact replica of my father. I hated what he represents to us, the strike of the fist for every mistakes you've done but I became like him. I am still am and it's a painful life for me. I know it's wrong but like a drug, I keep on doing it. I'm tired, I need help. But how can I do it. Does people like me can really change? It's always been a part of my system and I really have my father's blood flowing thru my veins. Sometimes, I just think that if you believe in something, someone, you could find the courage to suppress it. But I cannot, and it really scares me. I am scared of myself. Of the road that I'm taking. Of the life that I'm leading. I wanted to break that cycle of violence. I wanted to be humane again. I wanted to love and be stronger. I wanted to help myself. In the end, I know I still have a choice. A choice to be free from this bondage. Maybe admitting it to the world is my first step thru healing. Maybe I can still be repaired. Maybe, I am also my mothers' daughter. I know I am the only person that can really free myself. Before I turn away all the people that loved me which I have hurt, I know that I need to change.

I started this blog wanted to create a haven for people like me. For children, for women, for men. A haven anyone could write their emotions, their feelings, their secrets, their life. A haven for affirmation that it really happens and yes..its still happening. And maybe at the end, we will find that forgiveness. We will find acceptance. We will understand one another. We will have that affirmation. We would be able to forget. And even if we don't want to, at least we can make peace about it. We can put an end to that cycle of violence.  And maybe, find at least some affirmation that even if life had been hard before my eyes, it will be better someday.  I will heal and find at least a semblance of peace within myself.  I can be true to everyone and not be ashamed anymore.  This is life before my eyes but it will be a good and better life.