Another failure and Unfairness of life

Today, another failure had happened to me. I now confirmed my suspicions that I did not pass the interview. It’s really hard accepting reality. I cried a lot and I cannot tell anyone because I am ashamed to tell everyone that I am a loser pretending to be a winner. I am such an idiot. I did not know why I did not passed it…is it because of my voice? Is it because of my English? I really don’t know…whatever it is..it only means one thing..I am not for that company..and what it is for me? US? UK? Australia?

I admit…I’m really jealous of my colleagues success…coz why me? I have done everything...answered all the questions..but they just don't want me, it's just plain and simple as that..whatever it is…I can't do anything about it anymore..

I am ok with rejections..since I was a child..my father rejected my offer of love, after graduation from secondary school, I was rejected by the schools I have applied, only college is the best thing that happened in my life..after college..I was rejected by company I want to work with..I pursue it again, and at the end, they have given me a chance….and now…I was rejected by another company and another company..and I was also rejected by other firms that I applied with…but still..it's not yet the end of the world..I’m tired of fighting my destiny…it's better to accept reality..that even if I cried a thousand tears...I can't do anything…maybe there are others like Andy who gossip people, who is a fraud but still wins..there is me who tries to mentor people..to be the role model of my staff..who treats them equally but loses..there is another colleague who had a good family, a loving, kind and rich boyfriend and there is me who has no love life..as in zero..who does not even had a relationship or not even experienced someone courting me, who had a very lousy life, who had an alcoholic, gambler, smoker, miser and abusive father, a dad who died without even knowing how I feel, a dad I hated all those years and died without knowing that I loved him..even in the end..

A sister who in order to escape an abusive uncle who sexually molested her, married young to escape the truth, an older sister who has obsessive compulsive behavior manifested by control issues since she wants to escape reality due to a sexual molestation she experienced as a child, a youngest sister who wanted to escape reality by clinging to her pride in such a tight way, and a mom who wanted to escape reality and the abused as a wife by pretending that everything is ok and nothing had happened and now me, a 28 yr. old woman who wanted to escape reality by pretending I’m 25 yrs.old, already had an experience with a boyfriend who had loved me once, a web of lies I don’t know if I can get out…

Now who says life is fair….coz now I am a loser still…

In the end..as usual..I will accept this coz it’s better this way..I had already cried and I think..maybe..I was really born a loser and I will die as one..coz even if I dream big..I still lose….

Man's rejection is God's direction

Today, a lot of people in the office are going to apply abroad. If they will be accepted, I will be the only one left in our batch. I don’t want to but I was rejected by that company. Actually, it’s my fault too because I did not pass the exam. If I could only die, I will. I am so stupid but even if I cried a thousand tears, I cannot bring back the lost opportunity. Oh my God, I am having self-pity again. Why me Lord? Why you are always testing me? It was always been the same for me, failures then success. Then, failure and I hope after this, success. I will not lose hope. I will fight back. I will apply to every company there is. I will surrender my life to you. Just help me go to other countries, whatever it is. I’m ok with it God. Does I really need to have rejection to know what I really want to do with my life? In the homily, Man’s rejection is God’s direction…what is mine Lord? What is my direction? Please lead me to my direction. I’m really clueless. I don’t know what to do. I want to become a writer but I don’t know if I can write. I want to be a lawyer but I don’t have the resources/money to pursue it. I only want to invest a home for my family, my future. That is why I want to go to other country. I want to have a new life in a new place. Begin anew. That company is really the answer but sadly, I blew it up. So here I am, back to zero again. Don’t know what to do.

I just want to go to other countries especially US but I’m really depressed right now. I had applied to a lot of firm but no one is contacting me. Please help me…I am imploring you. Just give me a chance. I am already 28 yrs. old. I haven’t invested anything. I don’t have a love life..my career is going down. I will not be promoted next year. I know for a fact that life does not give you everything. Maybe, there are others who have everything, but there are us who had to work hard to make a living. To live with our dreams. To fly with broken wings. I know that what I feel for A is just a fleeting moment of insanity. I did love him but he does not feel the same way. This is a one sided love and I hate it. But I will survive. I had before…with the first man I love..my father…I had hated him for such a long-time that I did not allow myself to fall-in love and have crushes on anyone. And when I let down my guard, boom…A stole my heart…but look at us…just a memory..a good memory and that is what it will remain. Since I now know what is love, I now resigned myself to become a matron, an old lady without a man. So just give me back my dreams…I don’t care if I will be lonely someday…I cannot have everything. Just don’t let me on the dead end..no Love, no Career. I will surely die God.