I am in crossroads again with my life...I felt like Veronica in "Veronica decides to die". A novel by Paulo Coelho, the story revolves around a mid 20's girl who seems to have everything but decides to commit suicide by taking pills. I don't know why I feel this way since like Veronica, I seems to have everything. I have a good job with a good pay, I just recently bought a house for my family with my hard earned money. I am successful..if you define success with someone that is my age but was already a manager in a company. I don't have problems with money anymore and I think that I have already made peace with my past or at least a semblance of contentment. But I am not yet happy.
Now, that is the question. Why am I not happy? I should be happy...I already have everything that I want from life...the career, the material wealth, the life I wanted, travelling to foreign countries and Europe to be exact...but why I am not contented. I should be....but I am not.
I wanted again things that I have not, a child, a husband, a family, a business. And again, I feel as if something is missing from my life. Is it just me? or I really cannot feel the contentment because I don't want to happy and I will not choose to be happy? Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a bag of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". And I do get it. I know that my life has been a surprise to everyone. If my life will be a chocolate...it's an M&M one. I had lived my life the way I wanted it to be, based on people's expectations of me, based on my family's need from me, based on my sense of fear not to be someone like my dad.
And now, I felt like I should live my life the way I wanted it to be. The problem is, I don't know what I want it to be. I had lived my life so long being the responsible daughter, the responsible sister, the responsible me. I don't know how to be at loose with myself, how to be who I am. Can I just throw away every good sense that I have and just live according to my wishes? But I have a lot of wish...I wanted to see the world but I wanted to have my own business. I wanted to have my own business but I am afraid to risk it all. I wanted to risk it all but I am afraid of what the future brings.
I know I am a person with lot of idiosyncrasies...and I am a conflicting one. I hope that as I am writing this...I already knew what I want from life.
Now, that is the question. Why am I not happy? I should be happy...I already have everything that I want from life...the career, the material wealth, the life I wanted, travelling to foreign countries and Europe to be exact...but why I am not contented. I should be....but I am not.
I wanted again things that I have not, a child, a husband, a family, a business. And again, I feel as if something is missing from my life. Is it just me? or I really cannot feel the contentment because I don't want to happy and I will not choose to be happy? Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a bag of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". And I do get it. I know that my life has been a surprise to everyone. If my life will be a chocolate...it's an M&M one. I had lived my life the way I wanted it to be, based on people's expectations of me, based on my family's need from me, based on my sense of fear not to be someone like my dad.
And now, I felt like I should live my life the way I wanted it to be. The problem is, I don't know what I want it to be. I had lived my life so long being the responsible daughter, the responsible sister, the responsible me. I don't know how to be at loose with myself, how to be who I am. Can I just throw away every good sense that I have and just live according to my wishes? But I have a lot of wish...I wanted to see the world but I wanted to have my own business. I wanted to have my own business but I am afraid to risk it all. I wanted to risk it all but I am afraid of what the future brings.
I know I am a person with lot of idiosyncrasies...and I am a conflicting one. I hope that as I am writing this...I already knew what I want from life.
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