Malta

I am already in Malta for 2 months right now. The transition is hard because I am not used being away from my family for such a long time. I have mixed emotions, happy because finally some of my dreams are coming true and sad because I miss my family. Somehow, I'm at peace with myself, it's just that I have no friends here, I found some but it's really hard to penetrate their group. They have known each other for such a long time and I cannot top that. They are all gregarious and I am not. They are into things which I am not. I wanted to explore Malta but I have no companions. Even the Maltese people from my office are somehow wary of me, I don't have that effect on people. I don't engage on animated conversations and I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't know how I can survive here but if I want to, I need to find friends I can really trust. I also need to change my attitude, be more joyful, gregarious and approachable. But how can I? I have been like this for 30 years now. It will be really hard for me to change. I hope I will find a good friend here, even 1 is enough. or just a love one, a person who will support me or just be there for me.

I don't know if I can change but I will try starting Monday. I will greet people and try to talk to them. I will be more joyful and just be myself. I should not be afraid to speak because otherwise I will defeat my purpose on going here and that is, to build my confidence and to develop my communication skills in english.

I hope I will find that someone here, someone to love. Even for a day. I don't need a long-time one, it's good only while it lasts and if it will last forever, then ok but if not, it's still alright.

I know I will find that someone..

Good and bad things

A lot of things happened to me during the weekend. First, I need to conquer my fear of going to the hospital to have a blood transfusion. I had a disease called menorrhagia, which is in layman's term is called "heavy menstrual bleeding". I had this disease since I was 11 yrs. old, since I started my monthly period. I will have menstrual bleeding for almost 2 weeks and the most is a month. Last week, I just have a two weeks bleeding and I lost a lot of blood. The irony of this is that I have a phobia with blood. Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and will have the blood transfusion. I am really afraid....really..really..afraid. Then, I will have an operation, it's called D&C "dilation and curretage". My endometrium is really thick and two years ago, I had also a D&C. It's really scary, especially for me since I am still a virgin and it is usually done for women who had miscarried. But then, I also have hormonal imbalance. My blood clots especially during stress. A lot of people adviced me to get married in order to balance my hormones but what they don't know is that I don't know if I will marry. I am a cynic when it comes to marriage.

So much for the bad things, at least I have a good thing coming for me. I had been accepted a job in Malta, a country in the Southern Europe. I am looking forward to go there and start a new life. Maybe, learn to be happy and have a semblance of peace.

The Breakdown

Tonight, as I was facing my computer, my two eyes are misty because of crying. I am crying a lot, a lot, a lot. A little while before, I am actually contemplating the biggest decision of my life. Dying......

I went home at exactly 6:30pm, and I need to go home..to get out of the office..the confines of work...I need to get out..because otherwise..I'll die..of shame and guilt, of self disgust and eventually, shame because I need to cry. I cannot lose control in the office..I cannot cry..people will think that I am a cry baby...I have a reputation to uphold..people think I am weak...I am a manager after all and a manager will crumble? I will be the laughingstock of the office..the grapevine...the only time I cried was when my father died..and its not even in front of everyone..it's on the ladies room..I crumpled on the tiles...I wanted to shout but I can't...because the numbness is still a shock...hearing the only man you have ever loved and hated is already died..at first...I cannot comprehend..Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt that has been eating me inside since the day I decided to hate rather than love and forgive..the day I decided to be materialistic rather than be supporting...they say..you regret the past until it became a past..alas it's true...I am ashamed telling this...my family doesn't even know this..I pretended I did not know because it is much better..that you doesn't know..but I can't anymore..I can't...I need to get this out from my system...that until the end..I became the person that I don't want to be..at the end...I choose my work over my father..you see...I denied it in front of everyone..I even denied it to myself..telling myself that everything is a plan of God..that what is past is past..that my father's dying has nothing to do with what I have done...but disgustedly..it is the truth..the truth is..even if I continue to swear my innocence..even if I continue to tell my mom that it is her fault I was not with my dad when he dies...the truth is..I know..I know that he is dying but I ignored it..I ignored it because I believe he will not die..that the text message I received from my sister is just a joke...A JOKE..I am the joke...my sister text me..4 hrs before my father died in that hospital...she told me that my father is really dying..that he is really suffering..but I ignored it...I ignore the feeling..I embraced the hate..he is an immortal man..no immortal will die without even asking for forgiveness..his life will be meaningless if he dies..God will still let him live..because he is a sinner..and sinners don't die young...but at the end...the only reason that I ignored it is because I don't feel a thing about it...I did not believe...If only..I believed...If only I went there to give him his forgiveness..maybe..I will not be this person...what did I become..a shallow person who only enjoys adoration and gives advices..wise advises but ignored the truth..that I am a shallow person.....in the end..I even chose my job over my dad......


Judge me if you can..I will now speak the truth..the secret that has been haunting since the day my father died. Why did I become this person..incapable of loving...incapable of being happy....I thought I could get happiness from my job..if I become a manager..but in the end..why I still feel the shallowness inside my heart...is it because I feel so ashamed..that the only thing I am good at is not really the thing that I'm good at?

Yes..I failed even my job...the job that I had loved over my dad. Failure is never easy..it's really shameful..to dedicate your life to doing the right thing and in the end..the irony will struck you down..because when you only fail for one time..that is the greatest failure of your life. It is only one engagement..but that engagement completely erase my sanity...yes..I wanted to die a while ago..when I am crossing the street..something came to my mind..what if I just let myself be hit by cars....I am a coward..I did not do it...because really...it's only my pride...dying for a job..this is ridiculous...my dad died without me telling that I forgive him and in the end, I loved him...now..that job is not really the worth it...because family are the people that will love you no matter what but a job is just a job.

10 yrs ago, I am in ground zero. I decided to gave up being hopeless and live again for my dreams...but those were material dreams...only material dreams...after 10 yrs..I am going to decide to live again..but this time..for the truth..for my real dreams...for the things that I really need in life and not what I wanted...I don't know what will happen..I don't know if I will be happy at the end..but right now..I wanted to be a writer..this is what I really want for my life.....a creator of dreams..a person who love herself not because people love her but because she really is happy with herself. Maybe..10 yrs ago..I chose the wrong path..10 yrs from now..maybe i will change the path that I decided to take upon starting my 30th bday.

Not knowing

I am now at home and I did not go to work. I really feel bad because of my cough and I have colds. But then my restlessness have pondered me to read books, novels, romantic stuff and ..I dreamed about it again. I feel that I wanted to fall in love. Having one man to take care of you, love you. But then, who am I kidding? I am already 29 yrs. old, my bday have passed and I still have no one. I know what is wrong with me, I know men are intimidated by me. I am such an enigma to them. I bet if I only given a colleague the approval when he was flirting with me, I could be the one who is with him and not his wife right now. But then I know I will only have to live with the people’s expectations of me. Because he is a good catch and I wouldn’t know if I want him because I like him or just because he is a good catch. Maybe, I really don’t know what is love. I am such a cynic for 29 yrs. and I now know that what I feel about A before is something like “he is a good catch and we look good together” thing but it is not love. Because love is what I feel for my family, that even if I feel that their love is not enough, that I am frustrated because I am the breadwinner and they keep on clinging to me, I am still here. With them because I love them.

Sometimes, I just want to feel that thing, that thing they called “love”. How it is to fall in love? Be with a man, share your joys and sorrows. I don’t know that, I don’t have that “intimacy” with a man. Why? Maybe because of my past. I was never been close to my father and what I feel for him before is more of hate than love. It was only when he died that I felt that what I feel is love. Because I was hurt by the betrayal and hurt steams from love.

I don’t know what I will do now. People at the office said that I will be promoted but I don’t know if I will believe them.

I hope my sister will not think of resignation. At the end, she is still fragile. If things go bad, she still crumbles. I hope my friend will find time to love herself and see what she needs to do to achieve her dreams. I hope that my other sister will be strong and have peace with her past and try to be more independent. I hope that life for us will be better in the future. I am not asking for the best life. A better life is fine. Even if I became successful to my career and not even have a love life. I want to have a kid someday but I will settle for a career right now. I don’t know if God will give us the right man that will love us someday but I hope my sister and friend will have that. Because I know that with my sister, she want it too. But we still don’t know what the future holds for us. And that is the beauty of the future, you really don’t know.

I am alive

Valentines day had come and gone and I am still the same…single…As I look back to the past years, I realize that there are things that aren’t meant to be…the same with my application abroad…I am frustrated but then what can I do..I cannot go on having this feeling..I know I have to accept reality and fight back. One of my colleagues had already went abroad. He did not pay his loan from me. Why it is that even the fraud people..are successful…is there really a thing called karma?…me..still here..accepting the sad reality. Sometimes, on times like this when I am tired and I’m really down..I feel how unfair life is..first..I watched fated to love you..my god..I am on the low again because of that…I realize that I am already 29 yrs. old  but still no love…I don’t know if my destiny is really not to have anyone..at least other people have experienced how it is to be courted and there are us who don’t…actually it's fine with me if I have no love but then my career is also on the low…I want to leave my present company but I don’t know what I will do after that…I want to invest in a business but I don’t know if I have the guts to take risk to spend all my savings when I have no one to fall back after that..I don't have a father or mother that will take care of me…I only have a sister who can barely take care of herself..a youngest sister who feel so lost..more than what I feel..I want to go abroad..to start anew..to live some of my dreams..especially security..since I know that I can't have that by just marrying a rich man..but still no luck..no one even want to hire me…I really feel so down right now..

Is there really such a thing such as fate..the romantic in me wanted to believe..even for a moment..just for a day, I will not feel as if I need to control my life in order to have the things that I want…I wanted to have a moment wherein I don’t need to think before doing something…just plunge into the unknown..just be human and alive for a moment..but alas..I am still a coward..I cannot still do that..I am afraid to lose control of my life and do a stupid thing..because at the end of the day..I am still an analytical person…I only do daydreams..of someone loving me..sweeping me of my feet..just for one night..make me feel that I can forget my worries and just do something reckless..someone who can be the driver and just take care of me..

It is not that I am tired of taking care of my family…I still want to help them..it’s just that..I wanted to fall in love..hey, I know that I used to say that I have already but I think that is not true..what I feel about A before is only an illusion..it is just that people think we are perfect for each other that I felt the same way too..but then..it died down..so it is not true..What I want is magic..even for a night..

They said be careful what you wished for..cause it may come true..but then I know that what I have is only wishful thinking…I have already wished so many things that did not come true..I wanted to go abroad but I haven’t. Abroad doesn’t want me..I was not even successful here in my country..I also know that love “true and faithful love” is not true..maybe it does come true with other people but in my family..it did not give us anything..only betrayal..hatred and anger..Maybe there are people who are really lucky..who fall in love with the right person and have their feelings reciprocated but not on my family…so how can I believe or know if there is one..even if there really is..when I don’t believe in that thing anymore…I just want to feel it for a day..and if tomorrow I wake up and reality sinks in..that what I really know as truth is the truth..then at least..I can say that I have at least a day…

But then, maybe I was only affected by the series..and the series is only a story on TV…maybe the truth is..even if I look fierce in the outside, even if I look so happy and strong..I am also like other women..wishing it to happen to me..

But then, even if this doesn’t happen..at least I know that it is not because I am unlucky..its just that there are some things you just can’t force to happen..that there are some sacrifices in life and love..that sometimes there are who have everything and there are us who have to strive the hardest to achieve their dreams..people like me..

A friend doesn’t have it too but at least, she has her father and family who supports her in every endeavor she want…I also have mine..who loves me in their weirdest way..or maybe cannot give the correct or right amount of love and affection..that I think I need..but in their own way..I know they loved me....

I came from a family who doesn’t even build on love but rather on just being together..of being afraid to be alone ..a family with history of physical and verbal abuses and people marrying for the wrong reasons..maybe…that is why..I cannot feel it and the same with them..maybe that is why all of us have issues when it comes to dependency, love, commitment and many intimacy feelings..but I understand it..sometimes I just accept it..tolerate it and learned not to ask for something more..sometimes..I ask for more.when I am being human and let my emotions get in the way of me..emotions that lead me to anger and stress..and danger…and guilt and a lot of negative and bad things…that is why I now know how true the saying that if you are the master of your emotions..then you are the master of your life..

 

That is why even if I feel as if I am unattractive and no one even want to court me..I know that it is not true..because I am a beautiful person.even if I look so strong..I am also weak and romantic..I am a good person..maybe not in everyday but still find time to be one..I know that if a person will know me..I am a credit to someone…I am intelligent and at least I can take care of myself..but being alone is is still a blessing..because at the end of the day..I am afraid still to love…coz I know that there are many issues within myself that I need to resolve..issues that was within myself even when I was a little girl..years of abuses and hatred…issues of being incapable of letting go..of wanting still to embrace the past..and not let it go..I know I need to..so maybe..being alone is better for me..because at the end..life is not a fairytale..maybe other lives are..maybe..some people find that something…something magical..but there are also others like me…who only hopes and prays that someday..life will turn out better for us…maybe not the best..just a better life..having achieved some dreams even if not all of it..a little bit is enough….because people like us can’t be choosy..

I just want to have security..invest on a home..that is why I want to go to abroad..I only want a peaceful life..a business I love..selling and reading books…writing stuff like these..writing about people’s lives..writing some novels…watching the movies and series that I want…guiding people…talking with people..reaching out to abused children and just being true to myself…my name..I am 29 yrs. old..yes..I am already older..I stopped after secondary school for 4 yrs…My father was an alcoholic, gambler, abuser and irresponsible person when he was still alive..but now I understand him..he was also a victim of a not so loving family..an abusive environment…the truth that I am afraid to lose control and be like him..to die without even doing the things that I love to do…and yes…I want to let go of the pain even if the past will still haunt me..and yes…I am alive.

My Failures

They say that life happens for a reason. Today or this year, it was again my rejections and failures. First, I learned that I was only 4^th in the ranking. Well, it’s fine that A is ahead of me, but Andrew? I don’t think so. How do the bosses grade us? Didn’t my boss considered my efforts especially in the engagement when I overtook the job of delegating and mentoring people? In my PMDP, he graded me 3 in all the criteria. How about people skills? I should be 4 for that since that is my strength. I know I’m not good with communication, I know I am sickly. But one thing I am, I tried to do the things in a right way. Yes…I am also a bad loser…yes..i’m also competitive..and yes…I am plastic. I would like to try a big engagement because it will give me the training I need but then, I think it’s not for me. I know life happens for a reason. I know that there are things God want for me..in store for me. Another one of my mistake..one of the greatest mistake of my life is when I did not pass the exam for a certain company abroad. I should studied for the exam..I should careered it. My pride made me stupid again. A friend offered to help me for the exam and I did not accepted it. I am such an idiot. Why I always end up making the same mistakes I have done in the past? First, my studies, I stopped for 4 yrs. 2^nd, my current job, I did not also passed the exam at the first time in my current job. Third, I always lied to people to covered my pride. I am such a liar….telling everyone that I passed the exam but I did not. But looking back at my past mistakes…it helped me a lot..because in the end… I became successful..I gained new friends..I know I should not question God…but what it is really for me. Doesn’t abroad is for me? If not, what it is? Will I meet the person I will marry on the country I will go to? What it is God? What it is? Maybe, all I need is to relax. Maybe, a big company is not really for me because at the end, my current engagement is much better than a big company. Maybe..abroad is not for me..maybe..I will be accepted at San Francisco. San Francisco is my dream job. I really want to go there. I really want to go to the United States. Please God..I want this too much…I want to go to the US. I’m ok now..the ranking is ok with me..afterall, it’s only a ranking..it does not determine your life. I know I have to be good at communication skills especially English. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to enroll at an English class.

There is also a revelation for me. The subject of the Correspondents, a show in TV Channel 2 is about incest. I don’t know why I’m crying. The truth is, I don’t know if I am victim of one or a victim of child abuse. The truth, there are some things I cannot remember from the past. I don’t know if I want to believe that Tess is a victim of one. But I know that I want to. I also know that somewhere, I know child abuse. I know that I could ether be a victim or a witnessed to it. I also know that someday, I will have the courage to face the truth and talk to a psychologist. I also want to volunteer to PREDA. That’s where the incest victims are treated. I also want to volunteer to the Women’s Desk where all women who are victims of abuse are also treated. I had been one and I had witnessed one for almost 26 yrs. My mom, how she suffers in silence and we all suffer with her. How it affected our life, the life of my sisters and how it made me who I am today. I am a cynic. I know I will not marry anymore. I don’t know if I could give myself to a person..my trust when I don’t want to lose it. I know that I didn’t need to envy a certain friend. A year before, she was not even considered for the promotion. Besides, she is really good. She deserves all the break that she is experiencing right now. Maybe, it’s just my pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. I need to curb it. To be human as possible. Thanks God for all the blessings you have given to me. Thanks for the failures and mistakes.

Truth and Lies

This is new years’ eve and it’s one of the saddest one for me. I cried because my family (except a sister) does not want to go to a nice place. Maybe they really does not want to go but I know that they just want to make me suffer because of what happened yesterday. I had a quarrel with my sister because her daughter S has tantrums and knowing me who lacks patience told her bad things, things I kept from her because I don’t want her to know and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. And since I am really bad, I had blurted out that because her daughter has many tantrums, she will be a pain in her ass, the reason why she was having a hard time…she really felt bad about it, and then it escalated to anger on which I told her that like mother, like daughter.  Her daughter will be pregnant at 16…..I know it’s bad but what is done is done…I know I can’t change anymore…sometimes I feel that I will be a saint if I will not be bad anymore.   I even feel that my mom does not care about me because she also does not want to go if my sister will not go. Even my youngest sister has a fit. My bad self wanted to hate them forever. That I can just make them homeless….but then…I’m not really that bad…I know why I’m sad and angry..because I feel betrayed again. This time by not having a normal life anymore…since before…I wanted happiness then I realized you can’t achieve it so I have asked for normalcy instead. Now, in the coming 2009, I will now let them go..let them go…LET MY FAMILY GO…it’s not that I will not help them anymore…it’s just that I’m letting go my LOVE for them..maybe that is why I feel so bad..because I feel that I have loved them too much and in the end, they does not feel the same way for me…

I know they also love me..in their own selfish way..but still..it is not enough for me because I had loved them too much…that is why I am letting go of this feeling…I will just let them be the people that they want to be…at the end..it does not matter if they love me or not…because at the end…we will live by our own choices and I don’t want to be the same person anymore…the person who had loved her father, hated her father and let the love and hate go by being indifferent instead..at the end..I regretted being indifferent to Papa, if only he knows that I loved him still and the love was still at the top of hate…

I don’t want to hate them and be indifferent to them..not to feel anything, so instead of breaking my heart..that I will hate them..I will let this love go..that is why I am writing..to remind myself that ..I am just letting them love me on their own terms and choices…maybe at the end..it will never be enough for me or at the end…they really are selfish and does not love me..but does it really matter? No..it does not…at the end..what matters is that I had been able to love them in a good way and not in a controlling way…so I will just accept their decisions and make mine…because at the end…I don’t own them..they are already old enough to make decisions for themselves..I will not blackmail them…I will not tell them bad words..I will just let them be themselves..even if their choices will led them to regret in the end..because at the end of the day..we lived by our own choices…

That is why I will pursue my dreams abroad..I will not fight my destiny anymore..even if that destiny will led me to make a decision that will eventually separate me to them…because at the end…I would like to have a life of my own someday..a family of my own and I cannot achieve that if I continue to loved them that much..I will let myself love someone outside my family..someone worthy of my love…it doesn’t mean that I does not love them anymore..it just means that I am decreasing my love for them to love others as well the way I loved them…

Because at the end..we does not achieve normality…we only achieve a semblance of it…we does not tell the whole truth 100%, we only tell a semblance of it…So fuck normality..we can only have abnormality…dysfunctionality.

I am not sad anymore…I am half sad..to tell the truth…..I am accepting the dysfunctionality. Life is life…Love is love..to tell otherwise is to tell it was a LIE…A LIE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND A LIE TO LIVE AND DREAM BIG…COZ TRUTH HURTS BUT TRUTH IS THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF FICTION THAT WILL NOT TELL A LIE.