End of the road

I am in crossroads again with my life...I felt like Veronica in "Veronica decides to die".  A novel by Paulo Coelho, the story revolves around a mid 20's girl who seems to have everything but decides to commit suicide by taking pills.  I don't know why I feel this way since like Veronica, I seems to have everything.  I have a good job with a good pay, I just recently bought a house for my family with my hard earned money.  I am successful..if you define success with someone that is my age but was already a manager in a company.  I don't have problems with money anymore and I think that I have already made peace with my past or at least a semblance of contentment.  But I am not yet happy.

Now, that is the question.  Why am I not happy?  I should be happy...I already have everything that I want from life...the career, the material wealth, the life I wanted, travelling to foreign countries and Europe to be exact...but why I am not contented.  I should be....but I am not.

I wanted again things that I have not, a child, a husband, a family, a business.  And again, I feel as if something is missing from my life.  Is it just me?  or I really cannot feel the contentment because I don't want to happy and I will not choose to be happy?  Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a bag of chocolates,  you never know what you're gonna get".  And I do get it.  I know that my life has been a surprise to everyone.  If my life will be a chocolate...it's an M&M one.  I had lived my life the way I wanted it to be, based on people's expectations of me, based on my family's need from me, based on my sense of fear not to be someone like my dad.

And now, I felt like I should live my life the way I wanted it to be.  The problem is, I don't know what I want it to be.  I had lived my life so long being the responsible daughter, the responsible sister, the responsible me.  I don't know how to be at loose with myself, how to be who I am.  Can I just throw away every good sense that I have and just live according to my wishes?  But I have a lot of wish...I wanted to see the world but I wanted to have my own business.  I wanted to have my own business but I am afraid to risk it all.  I wanted to risk it all but I am afraid of what the future brings.

I know I am a person with lot of idiosyncrasies...and I am a conflicting one.  I hope that as I am writing this...I already knew what I want from life.

What now?

I am back again..after a long silence and a month vacation in the Philippines..I am back again in a foreign land...to work...and work..for my family and future...

What now? I question myself..why I am still back..I don't know what my future lies ahead..I feel lost again..yes..I still have a dream...but I don't know if this dream could be able to appease my loneliness..yes..I am lonely..I don't know why..maybe because I miss my family..miss them so much all I wanted is to go back...

I can have the same career I have now..back in my country...I can earn the same what I am earning now...but I don't know...maybe I want another thing...someone to love perhaps...someone to take care of?

Where is he? Why I cannot meet him?  Why I can't see him?  I hope that I well..but right now..I will just wait...Wait until God gave him to me..I hope that someday..I will meet him or God will allow me to meet him...

Father's Day

This is father's day..a day for all father's and a day where kids can tell their father's their admiration and love.  This is the day on which I dreaded most..because this is the day on which I can no longer tell that love to my father.  My father died 4 yrs. ago and until this day, I regret that on every father's day, I was not able to tell him my love.  All I had done and showed to him is my hate...hate and anger for the neglect he had done to us.  I am not a perfect person nor my father is.  That I know now.  If only I have known yesterday what I know today..I will tell him that I forgive him.  Forgive him for the neglect, for the sadness, for the anger and for the hate.  I forgive him for not being a father to us..to me..to my siblings...I forgive him for the violence, for the domestic abuse.  I am now moving forward...to a future that is unknown..that is very bleak..to a future that I fear..for myself and my family...

They say that things happen for a reason..but today..what is the good thing that happen?  Today, I have learned that I fail again..as a sister...I will never forget this day...the day I learned of my youngest sister pregnancy...I cried and cried that almost all the tears had dried on my eyes..I cried because of the disappointment..of the guilt..of the love...I had loved my family more than I love myself...All I did was to give them a good life...an education that was not given to them by my father...but in the end..i have failed.  I was betrayed for the second time because of love.  Love...it is an elusive word...it is a very big word...I hope that in the end..love is better than ambition...because that is what she did.  She set aside her ambition for love...I know that this love will lead her to failure..the guy and my sister are not even ready to have a family..my sister does not even know how to take care of herself..so how can she take care of the growing person on her belly.  Am I really that cynic when it comes to love?  Did I really failed her?  I don't know..all I wanted is for sister to have a good life..a life which is different from our past.  Due to neglect, my father was not able to take two of my sisters.  They were given up to my aunt in the province to have a good life.  But now, history is repeating itself again...if she cannot be able to take care of her kid, she will give her up again.  Why is it happening to our family...I am really tired of all the problems..I am tired of being strong...in the end..I have failed.  

My sister is a talented artist...but because of neglect..because of her starvation for love...for acceptance and low self-esteem..she is throwing away what she is and what she could be.  I hated this feeling of helplessness...that I cannot do anything.  I don't know if I will be able to trust again or fall in love after this.  Because I don't believe in love anymore..it only gives me pain. 

Papa..I am sorry I was not able to forgive you when you are alive..but do forgive me now.  Please help us what you haven't done when you are still alive.  Help my sisters see the truth and help them forgive you and love themselves.  Teach them what you haven't taught them when you are alive.  That nobody or no one can really love us but only ourselves.

Beware of the US Diversity Visa Scam

A week ago, I received an email from a certain organization "USAFIS", which says that I have been selected as one of the diversity visa program winner for receiving a United States Permanent resident card.  It says that I became a winner due to a lottery administered by the department of justice.  The letter says like this:

"It is also known as the Green Card Lottery. The lottery has been administered on an annual basis
by the Department of State and conducted under the terms of Section 203(c) of the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA).
Section 131 of the Immigration Act of 1990 (Pub. L. 101-649) amended INA 203 to provide for a new class of immigrants known as "diversity immigrants" (DV immigrants).

s part of the agreement we will issue  A FREE Airline ticket from your country to the USA to claim your Green Card under
the American Green Card Lottery Program. The ticket will be sent via post mail at your address registered with us once your visa
will be  remitted by the U.S department of State.
 The U.S Department of State will should contact you soon with visa processing information and how to proceed further.

If you have any question regarding the visa please wait for the U.S Department of State to contact you as we do not have any competency to discuss further details with you.
What should you do now ?
Wait for the U.S Department of State to contact you and give you the information about visa processing and how to proceed further .  "

As a person who came from a third world country, this letter is like heaven sent.  But then, if you look closely, you will know that it is a scam.  Why? because how can I win on something that I did not even entered?  Now, this is interesting.  So for all of you people out there that have received this email, please be careful.  Scrutinize the emails you received, ask yourself a very big question and always remember that if there is a doubt, search into the internet if this is a scam or not.  Otherwise, you will end up losing your hard end money to some skunk or organizations out there who prey into the people's hope and feed them false hopes.  Beware of scams and use your mind always.  Some of the things that are too good to be true are just not true.  Check this link for stories on this. www.gmanews.tv › Pinoy Abroad › Top Stories , myusai.org/.../warning-emails-requesting-payment-for-us-diversity-visas-are-scams.html 

-Life is not perfect on this earth but sometimes, some people make it even worst -

Endometriosis and me

I am now at rest and on a half day sick leave because my endometriosis strikes again.  When I was 13, I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance, a very common disorder among women.  I have heavy menstrual period that last for almost a week and I really suffered a lot from it.  That's why, I always dread periods, instead of its symbol as the joy of being a woman, it became a liability to me.  I even contemplated hysterectomy at age 30.  Not yet married, single and never been with a man, this decision is really a big leap for me.  I really don't want to suffer anymore.  All I wanted was just the peace and tranquility, the joy of living without suffering every month.  I am suffering for almost 17 yrs. now with this disorder.  I have already one surgery and five blood transfusion.  Been in and out of the hospital for most of my latter life.

I have suffered most of my lifetime to a lot of things, child abuse, poverty, dysfunctional family, loss, hatred, anger and now, this disorder.  Sometimes, I ask God why me?  I tried to become a better person everyday,  I may not be perfect but I don't disobey.  I always try to do the right thing but sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want to shout.  F**** this life.

Then you see other people like you, eventhough you don't want to compare your life with them, you cannot help it.  I know everyone has a story to tell, life is not what it seems.  But then, you see theirs as perfect, or at least 90% perfect.  You tend to look down at yourself, evaluate life and feel alone and discouraged.  You feel an anger towards destiny who wouldn't want you to be better, you feel an anger towards life in general, who doesn't want you to be happy.  You question your creator who seems very happy with your suffering.  You question yourself, if there are things you should have done better and this is just a result of karma.

But then, you always come back to reality.  You always come back to your creator.  You always come back to acceptance.  Because to suffer and have this attitude will only make you suffer.  It will not do good for me, there's no other way but to accept.  That life isn't perfect and mine is a testament of it.  That sometimes, there are things that happen on which you have no control over it, there are people who are nasty on which you cannot change and there is the future on which you don't know yet.  But there is present on which you can at least be happy and happiness is futile without acceptance.  Besides, you only see people that is above you and never beneath you or at least parallel with you.  Then you will know that you are not alone.  That there are others who suffer, from the same poverty, from the same disorder, from the same life and heartaches.  And others are even worst, they are stuck with that sufferings and still cannot go out.  But you have the option to get out and I did.

I did get out from everything, I still remembers but I choose to forgive and accept.  Forgive life, forgive people.  Accept life, accept people.  I choose not to be a victim of this disorder and other things that happened in my life.  I choose to become the victor and I will be.   Because at the end, life is not about being a victim, of suffering but rather life is about change, for the better, for the life you wanted and you deserve.


Here are the links of the site that had helped me cope up with this disorder. 
  http://www.endo-resolved.com/heal.html http://www.womens-health.co.uk/endo6.html
Hope that someday, we will have a better life free from this disorder.

Life before my eyes: Beware of Prepaid Cards Scams

http://www.ofwguide.com/article_item-1266/Beware-of-the-SMS-Scam--New-Roaming-Number.html