http://www.ofwguide.com/article_item-1266/Beware-of-the-SMS-Scam--New-Roaming-Number.html
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Beware of Prepaid Cards Scams
I am proud to say that I am an OFW. This is a term used for overseas filipino workers. We are called the "new heroes of the land" because of the the money we sent to our loved ones back home.
This is a day before Christmas but I am pissed off. I recently learned from my sister that she became a victim of this prepaid card scams. Someone texted here claiming it was me and she was told that it was my new roaming no. The "FAKE" me asks her to buy prepaid cards that will be our new business venture together. She will buy the prepaid cards and send the "FAKE" me the pin. What is so frustrating about this is that my sister falls from the trap. She borrowed money from her driver husband and buys the prepaid cards. She dutifully did it for a week without contacting the "REAL" me about this. And what really pissed me off is that she spent almost 15,000 because of this. WHAT A F***!!!
My blood goes high after hearing this story. She should have informed me immediately but instead she did not. What makes me angry is that why did someone do this kind of vile thing to another human being. As OFW, I am sacrificing a lot for my family. But then, with this??? I know it is only money but what I really want is to expose the person doing this. I will vow to expose this dirty modus operandi.
This is really the best gift ever. I hope whoever he/she is, she/he will rot at the bottom of the sea. I hope that someday, the "karma" will not get him/her. As the song goes, "What goes around, comes around". That is the universal law of karma. Life will goes on but be warned. I am coming to get you. Whoever you are!!!
This is a day before Christmas but I am pissed off. I recently learned from my sister that she became a victim of this prepaid card scams. Someone texted here claiming it was me and she was told that it was my new roaming no. The "FAKE" me asks her to buy prepaid cards that will be our new business venture together. She will buy the prepaid cards and send the "FAKE" me the pin. What is so frustrating about this is that my sister falls from the trap. She borrowed money from her driver husband and buys the prepaid cards. She dutifully did it for a week without contacting the "REAL" me about this. And what really pissed me off is that she spent almost 15,000 because of this. WHAT A F***!!!
My blood goes high after hearing this story. She should have informed me immediately but instead she did not. What makes me angry is that why did someone do this kind of vile thing to another human being. As OFW, I am sacrificing a lot for my family. But then, with this??? I know it is only money but what I really want is to expose the person doing this. I will vow to expose this dirty modus operandi.
This is really the best gift ever. I hope whoever he/she is, she/he will rot at the bottom of the sea. I hope that someday, the "karma" will not get him/her. As the song goes, "What goes around, comes around". That is the universal law of karma. Life will goes on but be warned. I am coming to get you. Whoever you are!!!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Facing the truth
I was surfing the net in the other night when I came up to a website made by a man named Martin Gilbert II. At first, I went to the website out of curiosity and I have read some of his posts. He said that he is gay and I am applauding him for that. Being open and honest is one of my greatest fear in life. I hate judgment from people that's why I am hiding myself from them. For 30 yrs of my existence, I am running and hiding and hiding still. I really want to go out and be open to people. Let them see who I really am. Let them judge me if they can. Let them accept my failures and mistakes.
I want to shout to the world that I am alive. That I am here. That I matter. For a lot of years, it is hard for me to be open to people because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule. I have been to a lot of rejections and I am ashamed of my past. The past that is eating my soul. My father died 3 yrs. ago but I am still a prisoner of his cage. The cage that he had put us, the anger that he had given us, the pain that he had bestowed us. I wanna be free. I wanna go out and shout to the world. That I am a survivor. Survivor of child abuse. Survivor of life. But why I am still ashamed. Why I am still hesitating. I know a lot of people think that I am boring. That I am not lively. Maybe, I am. But I know I'm not. It's just that a lot of things had happened to me that they can't or will not relate to. Because theirs is perfect. They had a family who love them unconditionally. They had a father who cared about their welfare, who protects them from harm, who had worked hard to give them everything they need, a good college education, a good life, a stable humane emotions, a happy person that they are now. They have a mom who continuously love them, whom they love in return. A mom who is their strength when they are feeling down. A mom who will be there no matter what. A strong mom who loves her husband dearly and the mom the husband loves very passionately. A mom treated by her husband equally, with respect and admiration. Brothers and sisters they also love dearly. Who loves them in return. Brothers and sisters who continuously move forward. Who never gives up. Who is always there when they need him/her.
How can I relate to them. When I don't have what they have in their life. How can they relate to me? When all I have is a void in my heart. The fear in relationships. The fear to lose control. The fear of being known. I am still searching for my destiny. The thing that will surely make me whole again. The love that I still connects with pain and anger. The forgiveness I am still working on.
All I have is a dysfunctional family. A family who can barely takes care of themselves. A family full of secrets and shame. A dependent family. Dependent to each other for its own happiness.
How can I tell them the truth. Do I have to say everything? Do I have to disclose all the facets of my life?
How can I ask them to listen? Can I be truthful? Can I say that I had hated my father and until the day he died, was not able to forgive him? Can I say that I was a victim of child abuse? Both physically and sexually?
Can I tell them that I am afraid of the touch of a man? That I am afraid of being with a man? That my sister was sexually abused as a child and I think, I know, I am a witnessed to that? Can I tell them how fuck up my life had been before I turned around and lied. Lied about my age because I don't want to face the truth? Because I am ashamed that after graduation from secondary school, I was forced to worked in a small food establishment? Me, who had graduated with honors in elementary and became a scholar on a private school in secondary. Graduated salutatorian in secondary school. But stopped for 4 years. Worked in various odd jobs, in various fast food chains, became a miser in some part of that 4 yrs. and never had a direction on my life before. I thought that if I lie, I will going to erase those past mistakes, the 4 yrs. of misery and pain, the childhood I had, the anger I had kept in my heart for such a long time and the past that continues to haunt me still.
I want to shout to the world that I am a survivor. And yes, I am different from all of them. From the people that I knew. Because theirs is a good life, and mine is what? A bad life? No, I will have to lie that it is. Because it is not. I am still hurting but at least, I am acknowledging. This will be the first, to myself and later to the world.
We are a survivor. My family, my mom, my sisters. Theirs is a different story. Different defense mechanism. As I am writing this to all of you, my family is still the same. My eldest sister is still in pain. She is still in denial. She is coping by being a people pleaser. By not letting others see who she really is, what she is capable of. And I tell you, she is capable of a lot of things. Because she is one of the talented persons in my family. She is a poet, a writer, a song writer, an english diva, an artist. She is like my alter-ego, but with pretenses too. She is still ashamed of how her life turned out. How she did not graduate from college. She shied away from her friends, lost contact with the people that matters to her. She will crumble when life turns into something she can't and will not cope up with. She is a runner. She will run from her problems, from life, from things if her world will turn upside down. She quits if she doesn't want to fight. She worries about everything, her life, her health, her dreams, her job, her boss, her friends. She is a worrier. She used to love to kill herself, to torture people especially me, that she will kill herself. She will undressed and go down the bed. She will pretend that she has a mental problem, a sick mind, so that I will rescue her. And she love to be rescued by me. I used to hate her without me knowing it. That I hated her. I am angry with her before, because she is not the sister that I want. Because she depends on me on everything. Because she is supposed to be my elder sister and not the other way around. Because she will not accept her responsibilities. Because she is much weaker than me and she is supposed to be strong. Because she had entrusted to me the responsibilities that is supposed to be her. Because she refused to grow up and share with me the responsibilities. Because she runs and does not accept her problems. But I also love her. Her gentleness, her freedom to be someone not in control with her life, someone I am, a boring one. I admire her generosity and yes, I do understand her now. At least, a little. And someday, I will.
Then, there is my younger sister. The sister who was given everything. The sister who graduated from college at a prestigious university. The sister who did not stop her studies, who did not give up her dreams, the sister who married young, the sister who depends on her husband for almost everything. I was angry with her too, before, when I learned that she is pregnant. That was in 2004. 6 years ago. She is supposed to graduate. Like me. She is supposed to go back to us and help her mom, her family. But instead, she chose to marry young. She chose a man over us. I was angry, feel betrayed. Here I am, a single person, who focused all her life on her studies, never dated, never been kissed. And I am alone. I thought that she will share with me the responsibilities of helping our parents. Of helping her youngest sister to go to college. Of helping our family at least escape from the plague of poverty. But she did not. She fall in love and get married. She wanted a family of her own. A family different from us. A man she will love. A man who loves her. A man different from our own father. She wanted to have kids, beautiful kids she will display to the public. Kids she will dote and adore. But how can I blame her. Of wanting those things? Maybe, I was angry because I also wanted those things. But I did not choose my wants. But rather, I choose my family. How can I blame her? She did not grow up with us. She, together with my youngest sister, lived with my aunt when she is 10 and the youngest is 6. Yes, we had been broken as a child. I never knew her, what she wants, what she loves, what she needs, what is her fears, her dreams, what happened to her during those times, living in an aunt who maltreated them, who physically and verbally abused them and later, living with an uncle who sexually molested her. How can I harshly judge her when she also suffered like us. Like me. I never knew how hard it was to live without your parents, because I have one. I am the only one that my parents retained when they decided to give up their children. Maybe that is also the reason for my great sense of responsibility. I feel responsible for them, because one way or another, I am grateful to them. Now, being 30 makes me see life in a different perspective. It made me more understanding about my sister. My only regret is that I was and wasn't yet close to her. But I am building that relationship. This time, I am not buliding it based on my wants, based on my expectations from her, but based on love. I still have a long journey to go before I reach that. It is hard for me and still harder as the day passed. But I will reach it. I will reach that destination on which I will love them unconditionally.
And then, there's my youngest sister. My twin look alike. My same temperament. The bane of my existence. Why? Because, in all of my sisters, she is the most difficult one. Difficult to fathom. Difficult to read. Different temperament each day. Very stubborn. She is the one who had been my enemies before. She doesn't want my advice. She doesn't want to be controlled. She wants her freedom. She is very proud. She doesn't want to ask for my help. She wants me to give it to her. Now, this is the sister who doesn't need me. That even if she is hurting, she is in pain, will not accept my help. Will not listen to me. Will do her things according to her wants, her needs. Before, we used to fight a lot of time. Verbal attacks, physical assault. Sometimes, I got frustrated with her I became the person I hated. My father. I became violent that until this day, I regrets but still lives with it. She is the sister who did not worked, became a miser for almost 2 yrs. She even became hypochodriac. Like she had so many sickness that can't be treated. She will not work, she will not response to anything I said. She is so difficult. At least with my eldest sister, I know she listen. But this youngest sister, doesn't. It's like she wanted to punish herself for something. She wanted to die but was afraid. How frustrating. But right now, I am beginning to understand her. She had her faults, she is very stubborn, yes, but she does listen. All she wanted my approval and like a bitch, I only given her my acid tongue, always criticizing, always reprimanding. She is also one of the talented persons in the family. Intelligent, very good in drawing and can do almost anything you asked her. But sometimes, what she needs is just guidance. And not my controlling attitude. That is why right now, I am starting to build that bridge of trust again. That she can do whatever she wants, that I am just here if she needs me. But I will not control her. She is like me. So I will just support whatever she wants in her life. I do hope could hold on to that promise. I do hope that someday, I can be a better person.
I do hope that someday, I can face the world. The people that I lied with, the friends that I betrayed, the God that I continues to distrust if things go badly in my life and the men that I choose not to love. I hope that I can tell them the truth. About my life. My existence. Without asking for approval, for judgment.
I want to shout to the world that I am alive. That I am here. That I matter. For a lot of years, it is hard for me to be open to people because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule. I have been to a lot of rejections and I am ashamed of my past. The past that is eating my soul. My father died 3 yrs. ago but I am still a prisoner of his cage. The cage that he had put us, the anger that he had given us, the pain that he had bestowed us. I wanna be free. I wanna go out and shout to the world. That I am a survivor. Survivor of child abuse. Survivor of life. But why I am still ashamed. Why I am still hesitating. I know a lot of people think that I am boring. That I am not lively. Maybe, I am. But I know I'm not. It's just that a lot of things had happened to me that they can't or will not relate to. Because theirs is perfect. They had a family who love them unconditionally. They had a father who cared about their welfare, who protects them from harm, who had worked hard to give them everything they need, a good college education, a good life, a stable humane emotions, a happy person that they are now. They have a mom who continuously love them, whom they love in return. A mom who is their strength when they are feeling down. A mom who will be there no matter what. A strong mom who loves her husband dearly and the mom the husband loves very passionately. A mom treated by her husband equally, with respect and admiration. Brothers and sisters they also love dearly. Who loves them in return. Brothers and sisters who continuously move forward. Who never gives up. Who is always there when they need him/her.
How can I relate to them. When I don't have what they have in their life. How can they relate to me? When all I have is a void in my heart. The fear in relationships. The fear to lose control. The fear of being known. I am still searching for my destiny. The thing that will surely make me whole again. The love that I still connects with pain and anger. The forgiveness I am still working on.
All I have is a dysfunctional family. A family who can barely takes care of themselves. A family full of secrets and shame. A dependent family. Dependent to each other for its own happiness.
How can I tell them the truth. Do I have to say everything? Do I have to disclose all the facets of my life?
How can I ask them to listen? Can I be truthful? Can I say that I had hated my father and until the day he died, was not able to forgive him? Can I say that I was a victim of child abuse? Both physically and sexually?
Can I tell them that I am afraid of the touch of a man? That I am afraid of being with a man? That my sister was sexually abused as a child and I think, I know, I am a witnessed to that? Can I tell them how fuck up my life had been before I turned around and lied. Lied about my age because I don't want to face the truth? Because I am ashamed that after graduation from secondary school, I was forced to worked in a small food establishment? Me, who had graduated with honors in elementary and became a scholar on a private school in secondary. Graduated salutatorian in secondary school. But stopped for 4 years. Worked in various odd jobs, in various fast food chains, became a miser in some part of that 4 yrs. and never had a direction on my life before. I thought that if I lie, I will going to erase those past mistakes, the 4 yrs. of misery and pain, the childhood I had, the anger I had kept in my heart for such a long time and the past that continues to haunt me still.
I want to shout to the world that I am a survivor. And yes, I am different from all of them. From the people that I knew. Because theirs is a good life, and mine is what? A bad life? No, I will have to lie that it is. Because it is not. I am still hurting but at least, I am acknowledging. This will be the first, to myself and later to the world.
We are a survivor. My family, my mom, my sisters. Theirs is a different story. Different defense mechanism. As I am writing this to all of you, my family is still the same. My eldest sister is still in pain. She is still in denial. She is coping by being a people pleaser. By not letting others see who she really is, what she is capable of. And I tell you, she is capable of a lot of things. Because she is one of the talented persons in my family. She is a poet, a writer, a song writer, an english diva, an artist. She is like my alter-ego, but with pretenses too. She is still ashamed of how her life turned out. How she did not graduate from college. She shied away from her friends, lost contact with the people that matters to her. She will crumble when life turns into something she can't and will not cope up with. She is a runner. She will run from her problems, from life, from things if her world will turn upside down. She quits if she doesn't want to fight. She worries about everything, her life, her health, her dreams, her job, her boss, her friends. She is a worrier. She used to love to kill herself, to torture people especially me, that she will kill herself. She will undressed and go down the bed. She will pretend that she has a mental problem, a sick mind, so that I will rescue her. And she love to be rescued by me. I used to hate her without me knowing it. That I hated her. I am angry with her before, because she is not the sister that I want. Because she depends on me on everything. Because she is supposed to be my elder sister and not the other way around. Because she will not accept her responsibilities. Because she is much weaker than me and she is supposed to be strong. Because she had entrusted to me the responsibilities that is supposed to be her. Because she refused to grow up and share with me the responsibilities. Because she runs and does not accept her problems. But I also love her. Her gentleness, her freedom to be someone not in control with her life, someone I am, a boring one. I admire her generosity and yes, I do understand her now. At least, a little. And someday, I will.
Then, there is my younger sister. The sister who was given everything. The sister who graduated from college at a prestigious university. The sister who did not stop her studies, who did not give up her dreams, the sister who married young, the sister who depends on her husband for almost everything. I was angry with her too, before, when I learned that she is pregnant. That was in 2004. 6 years ago. She is supposed to graduate. Like me. She is supposed to go back to us and help her mom, her family. But instead, she chose to marry young. She chose a man over us. I was angry, feel betrayed. Here I am, a single person, who focused all her life on her studies, never dated, never been kissed. And I am alone. I thought that she will share with me the responsibilities of helping our parents. Of helping her youngest sister to go to college. Of helping our family at least escape from the plague of poverty. But she did not. She fall in love and get married. She wanted a family of her own. A family different from us. A man she will love. A man who loves her. A man different from our own father. She wanted to have kids, beautiful kids she will display to the public. Kids she will dote and adore. But how can I blame her. Of wanting those things? Maybe, I was angry because I also wanted those things. But I did not choose my wants. But rather, I choose my family. How can I blame her? She did not grow up with us. She, together with my youngest sister, lived with my aunt when she is 10 and the youngest is 6. Yes, we had been broken as a child. I never knew her, what she wants, what she loves, what she needs, what is her fears, her dreams, what happened to her during those times, living in an aunt who maltreated them, who physically and verbally abused them and later, living with an uncle who sexually molested her. How can I harshly judge her when she also suffered like us. Like me. I never knew how hard it was to live without your parents, because I have one. I am the only one that my parents retained when they decided to give up their children. Maybe that is also the reason for my great sense of responsibility. I feel responsible for them, because one way or another, I am grateful to them. Now, being 30 makes me see life in a different perspective. It made me more understanding about my sister. My only regret is that I was and wasn't yet close to her. But I am building that relationship. This time, I am not buliding it based on my wants, based on my expectations from her, but based on love. I still have a long journey to go before I reach that. It is hard for me and still harder as the day passed. But I will reach it. I will reach that destination on which I will love them unconditionally.
And then, there's my youngest sister. My twin look alike. My same temperament. The bane of my existence. Why? Because, in all of my sisters, she is the most difficult one. Difficult to fathom. Difficult to read. Different temperament each day. Very stubborn. She is the one who had been my enemies before. She doesn't want my advice. She doesn't want to be controlled. She wants her freedom. She is very proud. She doesn't want to ask for my help. She wants me to give it to her. Now, this is the sister who doesn't need me. That even if she is hurting, she is in pain, will not accept my help. Will not listen to me. Will do her things according to her wants, her needs. Before, we used to fight a lot of time. Verbal attacks, physical assault. Sometimes, I got frustrated with her I became the person I hated. My father. I became violent that until this day, I regrets but still lives with it. She is the sister who did not worked, became a miser for almost 2 yrs. She even became hypochodriac. Like she had so many sickness that can't be treated. She will not work, she will not response to anything I said. She is so difficult. At least with my eldest sister, I know she listen. But this youngest sister, doesn't. It's like she wanted to punish herself for something. She wanted to die but was afraid. How frustrating. But right now, I am beginning to understand her. She had her faults, she is very stubborn, yes, but she does listen. All she wanted my approval and like a bitch, I only given her my acid tongue, always criticizing, always reprimanding. She is also one of the talented persons in the family. Intelligent, very good in drawing and can do almost anything you asked her. But sometimes, what she needs is just guidance. And not my controlling attitude. That is why right now, I am starting to build that bridge of trust again. That she can do whatever she wants, that I am just here if she needs me. But I will not control her. She is like me. So I will just support whatever she wants in her life. I do hope could hold on to that promise. I do hope that someday, I can be a better person.
I do hope that someday, I can face the world. The people that I lied with, the friends that I betrayed, the God that I continues to distrust if things go badly in my life and the men that I choose not to love. I hope that I can tell them the truth. About my life. My existence. Without asking for approval, for judgment.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
In memory of the Maguindanao Massacre
I was in the Phils. a year ago when the Maguindanao massacre had happened. What I felt when I heard the news is anger and pity. Anger for how some people had a callousness to kill others just to have power and money. How killing is just like a common way of thinking for a fiilipino person who supposedly came from an only catholic country in Asia. I heard from the news that hundreds participates on the killing. Why it is so? Evil will only become one if there is a follower. Why did a lot of people follow a mastermind? Are these people have no conscience? Don't they believe in God, as their church teaches? I have always wanted to probe to the killers mind. What prompted them to do those things even though they knew it is evil? Is it money, fear or just plain callousness? So many questions but no answers. Because at the end, whatever their reasons are, it does not justify what they have done. It will not bring back the 56 people killed in the massacre.
I also felt pity for them. Pity because they have no mind and heart, they are like robots who have no emotions. Because I always believe that if only people will listen to their souls speak to them, no evil will walk on this earth. No war will be fought. No poverty will be experienced. No blood will be shed and no innocence will be crumbled just for an ambition of one. If only people will... But alas, some people just listen to others and not to themselves. They listen to false promises of good life, material things and love of power. Power will bring money and they wanted an ounce of it too. But what they don't understand is that with power comes great responsibility. Not to oneself but to others. Not to evil but to good.
I felt pity for them because in the end, they will answer to their conscience. And sometimes, when you hear the truth, it will devastate you till the end. I do hope that in the end, they will listen to this truth and they will speak the truth. And tomorrow, justice will be served.
I also felt pity for them. Pity because they have no mind and heart, they are like robots who have no emotions. Because I always believe that if only people will listen to their souls speak to them, no evil will walk on this earth. No war will be fought. No poverty will be experienced. No blood will be shed and no innocence will be crumbled just for an ambition of one. If only people will... But alas, some people just listen to others and not to themselves. They listen to false promises of good life, material things and love of power. Power will bring money and they wanted an ounce of it too. But what they don't understand is that with power comes great responsibility. Not to oneself but to others. Not to evil but to good.
I felt pity for them because in the end, they will answer to their conscience. And sometimes, when you hear the truth, it will devastate you till the end. I do hope that in the end, they will listen to this truth and they will speak the truth. And tomorrow, justice will be served.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes, we wish to become someone other than who we really are. I wish that now for myself. Wishing that I could be strong, that I have confidence in dealing with people, that I am friendly and easy to be with, that I am charming, that I have money so that I can retire from my work and do things I really love to do, that I don't have a family whom I love but sometimes I am tired helping them, that sometimes I wish for that someone to love me or just even care for me.
I wish for a lot of things, but I knew that at the end, sometimes, wishes do come true and sometimes it's not. I just wish that I could have the courage to stand up to people, to tell them who I really are and woudn't care about their feelings. I wish all my problems at work will go away. I wish that I could be a better person. I wish that someone would notice me and at least for a day fall in love with me. But then at the end, life is life. Some other times, sometimes became definite. Sometimes, it's blurry.
How I wish for that sometimes.
I wish for a lot of things, but I knew that at the end, sometimes, wishes do come true and sometimes it's not. I just wish that I could have the courage to stand up to people, to tell them who I really are and woudn't care about their feelings. I wish all my problems at work will go away. I wish that I could be a better person. I wish that someone would notice me and at least for a day fall in love with me. But then at the end, life is life. Some other times, sometimes became definite. Sometimes, it's blurry.
How I wish for that sometimes.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A person is a person
They say that words hurts...and words spoken could not be taken back...things that we do to others will come back to us...I believe all of those sayings are true...but sometimes there are people who tend to hurt you with their words and actions and they seem oblivious about it. Maybe, they are just plain ignorant or just plain mean...i wanted to believe the former over the latter. Believing that people do things without intention..without malice..but sometimes..others have...purposely..they want to hurt people around them with the callousness of their voice..with the callousness of their actions...I feel that way today..I don't know if she is a bully but she is really plainly ignorant about her officemates feelings...her name is C..she is a good person..she is generous but sometimes..she really wanted attention too much..she craves for it...she is very competitive...as if she knows everything..I know that she is a bright child...that she is intelligent..I saw JR on her again...and I feel bad about her..bad because she doesn't know that her actions hurt a person sometimes...bad because in the end...people will also treat her the way she treats people..maybe I am just mad or plainly hurt...who wouldn't if you will be spoken as if you are stupid in front of your colleagues...because you just made a mistake..everyone makes mistakes...even she I think..because not all of us are perfect..but then..maybe she thinks she is...and worst of all..she is doing this to me when both of us are just equals..we are both managers...maybe it's my fault too..I come out weak sometimes...I always ask questions...who wouldn't if you are just new in an organization...besides..I don't want confrontations...I know people..I can read people..and I can read her...she is just lucky there is P who loves her....who put up with her attitude...sometimes..I feel pity for P..he is like a stupid dog waiting for the order of his master..and she is his master...well...i wish them both luck..I don't want to feel this way that is why I am writing...and crying...she is the 2nd person who made me feel that way..even my partners had not talk to me that way...I forgive her callousness..her hurtful words..but I will never be the same with her again....maybe that is the reason why all of her friends are going to other countries now..actually, I can sense something..the way her friends are treating her...of course..they are polite and ok with her..but there is a distance..maybe..they also resent her bossiness...and who wouldn't...I am quite bossy too but I now know that sometimes..we have to be always catious with our words and actions..because in the end..it will speak of who we us as a person...and that will never lie....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Neighbors in Europe
A very funny thing is happening in my flat here in Malta. I live in a two bedroom flat with 2 women on the 2nd floor. Every past 1am, I always hear some noises in the ceiling of my bedroom. At first, I thought that my neighbors in the 3rd floor are just arranging their furnitures but it seems odd that they are doing it on such a time where all people are supposed to be sleeping. I continue to hear it on the wee hours of the morning. It took me some time to realized that they are not arranging their furnitures but rather having sex. Oh..my....this is really funny because today, the noises are even stronger and I even hear some moan....what a life...I'm lonely and alone in bed and somewhere, people are having sex. Well, that's life and what can I do, this is Europe anyways....
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Malta
I am already in Malta for 2 months right now. The transition is hard because I am not used being away from my family for such a long time. I have mixed emotions, happy because finally some of my dreams are coming true and sad because I miss my family. Somehow, I'm at peace with myself, it's just that I have no friends here, I found some but it's really hard to penetrate their group. They have known each other for such a long time and I cannot top that. They are all gregarious and I am not. They are into things which I am not. I wanted to explore Malta but I have no companions. Even the Maltese people from my office are somehow wary of me, I don't have that effect on people. I don't engage on animated conversations and I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't know how I can survive here but if I want to, I need to find friends I can really trust. I also need to change my attitude, be more joyful, gregarious and approachable. But how can I? I have been like this for 30 years now. It will be really hard for me to change. I hope I will find a good friend here, even 1 is enough. or just a love one, a person who will support me or just be there for me.
I don't know if I can change but I will try starting Monday. I will greet people and try to talk to them. I will be more joyful and just be myself. I should not be afraid to speak because otherwise I will defeat my purpose on going here and that is, to build my confidence and to develop my communication skills in english.
I hope I will find that someone here, someone to love. Even for a day. I don't need a long-time one, it's good only while it lasts and if it will last forever, then ok but if not, it's still alright.
I know I will find that someone..
I don't know if I can change but I will try starting Monday. I will greet people and try to talk to them. I will be more joyful and just be myself. I should not be afraid to speak because otherwise I will defeat my purpose on going here and that is, to build my confidence and to develop my communication skills in english.
I hope I will find that someone here, someone to love. Even for a day. I don't need a long-time one, it's good only while it lasts and if it will last forever, then ok but if not, it's still alright.
I know I will find that someone..
Monday, March 15, 2010
Good and bad things
A lot of things happened to me during the weekend. First, I need to conquer my fear of going to the hospital to have a blood transfusion. I had a disease called menorrhagia, which is in layman's term is called "heavy menstrual bleeding". I had this disease since I was 11 yrs. old, since I started my monthly period. I will have menstrual bleeding for almost 2 weeks and the most is a month. Last week, I just have a two weeks bleeding and I lost a lot of blood. The irony of this is that I have a phobia with blood. Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and will have the blood transfusion. I am really afraid....really..really..afraid. Then, I will have an operation, it's called D&C "dilation and curretage". My endometrium is really thick and two years ago, I had also a D&C. It's really scary, especially for me since I am still a virgin and it is usually done for women who had miscarried. But then, I also have hormonal imbalance. My blood clots especially during stress. A lot of people adviced me to get married in order to balance my hormones but what they don't know is that I don't know if I will marry. I am a cynic when it comes to marriage.
So much for the bad things, at least I have a good thing coming for me. I had been accepted a job in Malta, a country in the Southern Europe. I am looking forward to go there and start a new life. Maybe, learn to be happy and have a semblance of peace.
So much for the bad things, at least I have a good thing coming for me. I had been accepted a job in Malta, a country in the Southern Europe. I am looking forward to go there and start a new life. Maybe, learn to be happy and have a semblance of peace.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Breakdown
Tonight, as I was facing my computer, my two eyes are misty because of crying. I am crying a lot, a lot, a lot. A little while before, I am actually contemplating the biggest decision of my life. Dying......
I went home at exactly 6:30pm, and I need to go home..to get out of the office..the confines of work...I need to get out..because otherwise..I'll die..of shame and guilt, of self disgust and eventually, shame because I need to cry. I cannot lose control in the office..I cannot cry..people will think that I am a cry baby...I have a reputation to uphold..people think I am weak...I am a manager after all and a manager will crumble? I will be the laughingstock of the office..the grapevine...the only time I cried was when my father died..and its not even in front of everyone..it's on the ladies room..I crumpled on the tiles...I wanted to shout but I can't...because the numbness is still a shock...hearing the only man you have ever loved and hated is already died..at first...I cannot comprehend..Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt that has been eating me inside since the day I decided to hate rather than love and forgive..the day I decided to be materialistic rather than be supporting...they say..you regret the past until it became a past..alas it's true...I am ashamed telling this...my family doesn't even know this..I pretended I did not know because it is much better..that you doesn't know..but I can't anymore..I can't...I need to get this out from my system...that until the end..I became the person that I don't want to be..at the end...I choose my work over my father..you see...I denied it in front of everyone..I even denied it to myself..telling myself that everything is a plan of God..that what is past is past..that my father's dying has nothing to do with what I have done...but disgustedly..it is the truth..the truth is..even if I continue to swear my innocence..even if I continue to tell my mom that it is her fault I was not with my dad when he dies...the truth is..I know..I know that he is dying but I ignored it..I ignored it because I believe he will not die..that the text message I received from my sister is just a joke...A JOKE..I am the joke...my sister text me..4 hrs before my father died in that hospital...she told me that my father is really dying..that he is really suffering..but I ignored it...I ignore the feeling..I embraced the hate..he is an immortal man..no immortal will die without even asking for forgiveness..his life will be meaningless if he dies..God will still let him live..because he is a sinner..and sinners don't die young...but at the end...the only reason that I ignored it is because I don't feel a thing about it...I did not believe...If only..I believed...If only I went there to give him his forgiveness..maybe..I will not be this person...what did I become..a shallow person who only enjoys adoration and gives advices..wise advises but ignored the truth..that I am a shallow person.....in the end..I even chose my job over my dad......
Judge me if you can..I will now speak the truth..the secret that has been haunting since the day my father died. Why did I become this person..incapable of loving...incapable of being happy....I thought I could get happiness from my job..if I become a manager..but in the end..why I still feel the shallowness inside my heart...is it because I feel so ashamed..that the only thing I am good at is not really the thing that I'm good at?
Yes..I failed even my job...the job that I had loved over my dad. Failure is never easy..it's really shameful..to dedicate your life to doing the right thing and in the end..the irony will struck you down..because when you only fail for one time..that is the greatest failure of your life. It is only one engagement..but that engagement completely erase my sanity...yes..I wanted to die a while ago..when I am crossing the street..something came to my mind..what if I just let myself be hit by cars....I am a coward..I did not do it...because really...it's only my pride...dying for a job..this is ridiculous...my dad died without me telling that I forgive him and in the end, I loved him...now..that job is not really the worth it...because family are the people that will love you no matter what but a job is just a job.
10 yrs ago, I am in ground zero. I decided to gave up being hopeless and live again for my dreams...but those were material dreams...only material dreams...after 10 yrs..I am going to decide to live again..but this time..for the truth..for my real dreams...for the things that I really need in life and not what I wanted...I don't know what will happen..I don't know if I will be happy at the end..but right now..I wanted to be a writer..this is what I really want for my life.....a creator of dreams..a person who love herself not because people love her but because she really is happy with herself. Maybe..10 yrs ago..I chose the wrong path..10 yrs from now..maybe i will change the path that I decided to take upon starting my 30th bday.
I went home at exactly 6:30pm, and I need to go home..to get out of the office..the confines of work...I need to get out..because otherwise..I'll die..of shame and guilt, of self disgust and eventually, shame because I need to cry. I cannot lose control in the office..I cannot cry..people will think that I am a cry baby...I have a reputation to uphold..people think I am weak...I am a manager after all and a manager will crumble? I will be the laughingstock of the office..the grapevine...the only time I cried was when my father died..and its not even in front of everyone..it's on the ladies room..I crumpled on the tiles...I wanted to shout but I can't...because the numbness is still a shock...hearing the only man you have ever loved and hated is already died..at first...I cannot comprehend..Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt that has been eating me inside since the day I decided to hate rather than love and forgive..the day I decided to be materialistic rather than be supporting...they say..you regret the past until it became a past..alas it's true...I am ashamed telling this...my family doesn't even know this..I pretended I did not know because it is much better..that you doesn't know..but I can't anymore..I can't...I need to get this out from my system...that until the end..I became the person that I don't want to be..at the end...I choose my work over my father..you see...I denied it in front of everyone..I even denied it to myself..telling myself that everything is a plan of God..that what is past is past..that my father's dying has nothing to do with what I have done...but disgustedly..it is the truth..the truth is..even if I continue to swear my innocence..even if I continue to tell my mom that it is her fault I was not with my dad when he dies...the truth is..I know..I know that he is dying but I ignored it..I ignored it because I believe he will not die..that the text message I received from my sister is just a joke...A JOKE..I am the joke...my sister text me..4 hrs before my father died in that hospital...she told me that my father is really dying..that he is really suffering..but I ignored it...I ignore the feeling..I embraced the hate..he is an immortal man..no immortal will die without even asking for forgiveness..his life will be meaningless if he dies..God will still let him live..because he is a sinner..and sinners don't die young...but at the end...the only reason that I ignored it is because I don't feel a thing about it...I did not believe...If only..I believed...If only I went there to give him his forgiveness..maybe..I will not be this person...what did I become..a shallow person who only enjoys adoration and gives advices..wise advises but ignored the truth..that I am a shallow person.....in the end..I even chose my job over my dad......
Judge me if you can..I will now speak the truth..the secret that has been haunting since the day my father died. Why did I become this person..incapable of loving...incapable of being happy....I thought I could get happiness from my job..if I become a manager..but in the end..why I still feel the shallowness inside my heart...is it because I feel so ashamed..that the only thing I am good at is not really the thing that I'm good at?
Yes..I failed even my job...the job that I had loved over my dad. Failure is never easy..it's really shameful..to dedicate your life to doing the right thing and in the end..the irony will struck you down..because when you only fail for one time..that is the greatest failure of your life. It is only one engagement..but that engagement completely erase my sanity...yes..I wanted to die a while ago..when I am crossing the street..something came to my mind..what if I just let myself be hit by cars....I am a coward..I did not do it...because really...it's only my pride...dying for a job..this is ridiculous...my dad died without me telling that I forgive him and in the end, I loved him...now..that job is not really the worth it...because family are the people that will love you no matter what but a job is just a job.
10 yrs ago, I am in ground zero. I decided to gave up being hopeless and live again for my dreams...but those were material dreams...only material dreams...after 10 yrs..I am going to decide to live again..but this time..for the truth..for my real dreams...for the things that I really need in life and not what I wanted...I don't know what will happen..I don't know if I will be happy at the end..but right now..I wanted to be a writer..this is what I really want for my life.....a creator of dreams..a person who love herself not because people love her but because she really is happy with herself. Maybe..10 yrs ago..I chose the wrong path..10 yrs from now..maybe i will change the path that I decided to take upon starting my 30th bday.
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