Not knowing

I am now at home and I did not go to work. I really feel bad because of my cough and I have colds. But then my restlessness have pondered me to read books, novels, romantic stuff and ..I dreamed about it again. I feel that I wanted to fall in love. Having one man to take care of you, love you. But then, who am I kidding? I am already 29 yrs. old, my bday have passed and I still have no one. I know what is wrong with me, I know men are intimidated by me. I am such an enigma to them. I bet if I only given a colleague the approval when he was flirting with me, I could be the one who is with him and not his wife right now. But then I know I will only have to live with the people’s expectations of me. Because he is a good catch and I wouldn’t know if I want him because I like him or just because he is a good catch. Maybe, I really don’t know what is love. I am such a cynic for 29 yrs. and I now know that what I feel about A before is something like “he is a good catch and we look good together” thing but it is not love. Because love is what I feel for my family, that even if I feel that their love is not enough, that I am frustrated because I am the breadwinner and they keep on clinging to me, I am still here. With them because I love them.

Sometimes, I just want to feel that thing, that thing they called “love”. How it is to fall in love? Be with a man, share your joys and sorrows. I don’t know that, I don’t have that “intimacy” with a man. Why? Maybe because of my past. I was never been close to my father and what I feel for him before is more of hate than love. It was only when he died that I felt that what I feel is love. Because I was hurt by the betrayal and hurt steams from love.

I don’t know what I will do now. People at the office said that I will be promoted but I don’t know if I will believe them.

I hope my sister will not think of resignation. At the end, she is still fragile. If things go bad, she still crumbles. I hope my friend will find time to love herself and see what she needs to do to achieve her dreams. I hope that my other sister will be strong and have peace with her past and try to be more independent. I hope that life for us will be better in the future. I am not asking for the best life. A better life is fine. Even if I became successful to my career and not even have a love life. I want to have a kid someday but I will settle for a career right now. I don’t know if God will give us the right man that will love us someday but I hope my sister and friend will have that. Because I know that with my sister, she want it too. But we still don’t know what the future holds for us. And that is the beauty of the future, you really don’t know.

I am alive

Valentines day had come and gone and I am still the same…single…As I look back to the past years, I realize that there are things that aren’t meant to be…the same with my application abroad…I am frustrated but then what can I do..I cannot go on having this feeling..I know I have to accept reality and fight back. One of my colleagues had already went abroad. He did not pay his loan from me. Why it is that even the fraud people..are successful…is there really a thing called karma?…me..still here..accepting the sad reality. Sometimes, on times like this when I am tired and I’m really down..I feel how unfair life is..first..I watched fated to love you..my god..I am on the low again because of that…I realize that I am already 29 yrs. old  but still no love…I don’t know if my destiny is really not to have anyone..at least other people have experienced how it is to be courted and there are us who don’t…actually it's fine with me if I have no love but then my career is also on the low…I want to leave my present company but I don’t know what I will do after that…I want to invest in a business but I don’t know if I have the guts to take risk to spend all my savings when I have no one to fall back after that..I don't have a father or mother that will take care of me…I only have a sister who can barely take care of herself..a youngest sister who feel so lost..more than what I feel..I want to go abroad..to start anew..to live some of my dreams..especially security..since I know that I can't have that by just marrying a rich man..but still no luck..no one even want to hire me…I really feel so down right now..

Is there really such a thing such as fate..the romantic in me wanted to believe..even for a moment..just for a day, I will not feel as if I need to control my life in order to have the things that I want…I wanted to have a moment wherein I don’t need to think before doing something…just plunge into the unknown..just be human and alive for a moment..but alas..I am still a coward..I cannot still do that..I am afraid to lose control of my life and do a stupid thing..because at the end of the day..I am still an analytical person…I only do daydreams..of someone loving me..sweeping me of my feet..just for one night..make me feel that I can forget my worries and just do something reckless..someone who can be the driver and just take care of me..

It is not that I am tired of taking care of my family…I still want to help them..it’s just that..I wanted to fall in love..hey, I know that I used to say that I have already but I think that is not true..what I feel about A before is only an illusion..it is just that people think we are perfect for each other that I felt the same way too..but then..it died down..so it is not true..What I want is magic..even for a night..

They said be careful what you wished for..cause it may come true..but then I know that what I have is only wishful thinking…I have already wished so many things that did not come true..I wanted to go abroad but I haven’t. Abroad doesn’t want me..I was not even successful here in my country..I also know that love “true and faithful love” is not true..maybe it does come true with other people but in my family..it did not give us anything..only betrayal..hatred and anger..Maybe there are people who are really lucky..who fall in love with the right person and have their feelings reciprocated but not on my family…so how can I believe or know if there is one..even if there really is..when I don’t believe in that thing anymore…I just want to feel it for a day..and if tomorrow I wake up and reality sinks in..that what I really know as truth is the truth..then at least..I can say that I have at least a day…

But then, maybe I was only affected by the series..and the series is only a story on TV…maybe the truth is..even if I look fierce in the outside, even if I look so happy and strong..I am also like other women..wishing it to happen to me..

But then, even if this doesn’t happen..at least I know that it is not because I am unlucky..its just that there are some things you just can’t force to happen..that there are some sacrifices in life and love..that sometimes there are who have everything and there are us who have to strive the hardest to achieve their dreams..people like me..

A friend doesn’t have it too but at least, she has her father and family who supports her in every endeavor she want…I also have mine..who loves me in their weirdest way..or maybe cannot give the correct or right amount of love and affection..that I think I need..but in their own way..I know they loved me....

I came from a family who doesn’t even build on love but rather on just being together..of being afraid to be alone ..a family with history of physical and verbal abuses and people marrying for the wrong reasons..maybe…that is why..I cannot feel it and the same with them..maybe that is why all of us have issues when it comes to dependency, love, commitment and many intimacy feelings..but I understand it..sometimes I just accept it..tolerate it and learned not to ask for something more..sometimes..I ask for more.when I am being human and let my emotions get in the way of me..emotions that lead me to anger and stress..and danger…and guilt and a lot of negative and bad things…that is why I now know how true the saying that if you are the master of your emotions..then you are the master of your life..

 

That is why even if I feel as if I am unattractive and no one even want to court me..I know that it is not true..because I am a beautiful person.even if I look so strong..I am also weak and romantic..I am a good person..maybe not in everyday but still find time to be one..I know that if a person will know me..I am a credit to someone…I am intelligent and at least I can take care of myself..but being alone is is still a blessing..because at the end of the day..I am afraid still to love…coz I know that there are many issues within myself that I need to resolve..issues that was within myself even when I was a little girl..years of abuses and hatred…issues of being incapable of letting go..of wanting still to embrace the past..and not let it go..I know I need to..so maybe..being alone is better for me..because at the end..life is not a fairytale..maybe other lives are..maybe..some people find that something…something magical..but there are also others like me…who only hopes and prays that someday..life will turn out better for us…maybe not the best..just a better life..having achieved some dreams even if not all of it..a little bit is enough….because people like us can’t be choosy..

I just want to have security..invest on a home..that is why I want to go to abroad..I only want a peaceful life..a business I love..selling and reading books…writing stuff like these..writing about people’s lives..writing some novels…watching the movies and series that I want…guiding people…talking with people..reaching out to abused children and just being true to myself…my name..I am 29 yrs. old..yes..I am already older..I stopped after secondary school for 4 yrs…My father was an alcoholic, gambler, abuser and irresponsible person when he was still alive..but now I understand him..he was also a victim of a not so loving family..an abusive environment…the truth that I am afraid to lose control and be like him..to die without even doing the things that I love to do…and yes…I want to let go of the pain even if the past will still haunt me..and yes…I am alive.

My Failures

They say that life happens for a reason. Today or this year, it was again my rejections and failures. First, I learned that I was only 4^th in the ranking. Well, it’s fine that A is ahead of me, but Andrew? I don’t think so. How do the bosses grade us? Didn’t my boss considered my efforts especially in the engagement when I overtook the job of delegating and mentoring people? In my PMDP, he graded me 3 in all the criteria. How about people skills? I should be 4 for that since that is my strength. I know I’m not good with communication, I know I am sickly. But one thing I am, I tried to do the things in a right way. Yes…I am also a bad loser…yes..i’m also competitive..and yes…I am plastic. I would like to try a big engagement because it will give me the training I need but then, I think it’s not for me. I know life happens for a reason. I know that there are things God want for me..in store for me. Another one of my mistake..one of the greatest mistake of my life is when I did not pass the exam for a certain company abroad. I should studied for the exam..I should careered it. My pride made me stupid again. A friend offered to help me for the exam and I did not accepted it. I am such an idiot. Why I always end up making the same mistakes I have done in the past? First, my studies, I stopped for 4 yrs. 2^nd, my current job, I did not also passed the exam at the first time in my current job. Third, I always lied to people to covered my pride. I am such a liar….telling everyone that I passed the exam but I did not. But looking back at my past mistakes…it helped me a lot..because in the end… I became successful..I gained new friends..I know I should not question God…but what it is really for me. Doesn’t abroad is for me? If not, what it is? Will I meet the person I will marry on the country I will go to? What it is God? What it is? Maybe, all I need is to relax. Maybe, a big company is not really for me because at the end, my current engagement is much better than a big company. Maybe..abroad is not for me..maybe..I will be accepted at San Francisco. San Francisco is my dream job. I really want to go there. I really want to go to the United States. Please God..I want this too much…I want to go to the US. I’m ok now..the ranking is ok with me..afterall, it’s only a ranking..it does not determine your life. I know I have to be good at communication skills especially English. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to enroll at an English class.

There is also a revelation for me. The subject of the Correspondents, a show in TV Channel 2 is about incest. I don’t know why I’m crying. The truth is, I don’t know if I am victim of one or a victim of child abuse. The truth, there are some things I cannot remember from the past. I don’t know if I want to believe that Tess is a victim of one. But I know that I want to. I also know that somewhere, I know child abuse. I know that I could ether be a victim or a witnessed to it. I also know that someday, I will have the courage to face the truth and talk to a psychologist. I also want to volunteer to PREDA. That’s where the incest victims are treated. I also want to volunteer to the Women’s Desk where all women who are victims of abuse are also treated. I had been one and I had witnessed one for almost 26 yrs. My mom, how she suffers in silence and we all suffer with her. How it affected our life, the life of my sisters and how it made me who I am today. I am a cynic. I know I will not marry anymore. I don’t know if I could give myself to a person..my trust when I don’t want to lose it. I know that I didn’t need to envy a certain friend. A year before, she was not even considered for the promotion. Besides, she is really good. She deserves all the break that she is experiencing right now. Maybe, it’s just my pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. I need to curb it. To be human as possible. Thanks God for all the blessings you have given to me. Thanks for the failures and mistakes.

Truth and Lies

This is new years’ eve and it’s one of the saddest one for me. I cried because my family (except a sister) does not want to go to a nice place. Maybe they really does not want to go but I know that they just want to make me suffer because of what happened yesterday. I had a quarrel with my sister because her daughter S has tantrums and knowing me who lacks patience told her bad things, things I kept from her because I don’t want her to know and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. And since I am really bad, I had blurted out that because her daughter has many tantrums, she will be a pain in her ass, the reason why she was having a hard time…she really felt bad about it, and then it escalated to anger on which I told her that like mother, like daughter.  Her daughter will be pregnant at 16…..I know it’s bad but what is done is done…I know I can’t change anymore…sometimes I feel that I will be a saint if I will not be bad anymore.   I even feel that my mom does not care about me because she also does not want to go if my sister will not go. Even my youngest sister has a fit. My bad self wanted to hate them forever. That I can just make them homeless….but then…I’m not really that bad…I know why I’m sad and angry..because I feel betrayed again. This time by not having a normal life anymore…since before…I wanted happiness then I realized you can’t achieve it so I have asked for normalcy instead. Now, in the coming 2009, I will now let them go..let them go…LET MY FAMILY GO…it’s not that I will not help them anymore…it’s just that I’m letting go my LOVE for them..maybe that is why I feel so bad..because I feel that I have loved them too much and in the end, they does not feel the same way for me…

I know they also love me..in their own selfish way..but still..it is not enough for me because I had loved them too much…that is why I am letting go of this feeling…I will just let them be the people that they want to be…at the end..it does not matter if they love me or not…because at the end…we will live by our own choices and I don’t want to be the same person anymore…the person who had loved her father, hated her father and let the love and hate go by being indifferent instead..at the end..I regretted being indifferent to Papa, if only he knows that I loved him still and the love was still at the top of hate…

I don’t want to hate them and be indifferent to them..not to feel anything, so instead of breaking my heart..that I will hate them..I will let this love go..that is why I am writing..to remind myself that ..I am just letting them love me on their own terms and choices…maybe at the end..it will never be enough for me or at the end…they really are selfish and does not love me..but does it really matter? No..it does not…at the end..what matters is that I had been able to love them in a good way and not in a controlling way…so I will just accept their decisions and make mine…because at the end…I don’t own them..they are already old enough to make decisions for themselves..I will not blackmail them…I will not tell them bad words..I will just let them be themselves..even if their choices will led them to regret in the end..because at the end of the day..we lived by our own choices…

That is why I will pursue my dreams abroad..I will not fight my destiny anymore..even if that destiny will led me to make a decision that will eventually separate me to them…because at the end…I would like to have a life of my own someday..a family of my own and I cannot achieve that if I continue to loved them that much..I will let myself love someone outside my family..someone worthy of my love…it doesn’t mean that I does not love them anymore..it just means that I am decreasing my love for them to love others as well the way I loved them…

Because at the end..we does not achieve normality…we only achieve a semblance of it…we does not tell the whole truth 100%, we only tell a semblance of it…So fuck normality..we can only have abnormality…dysfunctionality.

I am not sad anymore…I am half sad..to tell the truth…..I am accepting the dysfunctionality. Life is life…Love is love..to tell otherwise is to tell it was a LIE…A LIE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND A LIE TO LIVE AND DREAM BIG…COZ TRUTH HURTS BUT TRUTH IS THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF FICTION THAT WILL NOT TELL A LIE.

Another failure and Unfairness of life

Today, another failure had happened to me. I now confirmed my suspicions that I did not pass the interview. It’s really hard accepting reality. I cried a lot and I cannot tell anyone because I am ashamed to tell everyone that I am a loser pretending to be a winner. I am such an idiot. I did not know why I did not passed it…is it because of my voice? Is it because of my English? I really don’t know…whatever it is..it only means one thing..I am not for that company..and what it is for me? US? UK? Australia?

I admit…I’m really jealous of my colleagues success…coz why me? I have done everything...answered all the questions..but they just don't want me, it's just plain and simple as that..whatever it is…I can't do anything about it anymore..

I am ok with rejections..since I was a child..my father rejected my offer of love, after graduation from secondary school, I was rejected by the schools I have applied, only college is the best thing that happened in my life..after college..I was rejected by company I want to work with..I pursue it again, and at the end, they have given me a chance….and now…I was rejected by another company and another company..and I was also rejected by other firms that I applied with…but still..it's not yet the end of the world..I’m tired of fighting my destiny…it's better to accept reality..that even if I cried a thousand tears...I can't do anything…maybe there are others like Andy who gossip people, who is a fraud but still wins..there is me who tries to mentor people..to be the role model of my staff..who treats them equally but loses..there is another colleague who had a good family, a loving, kind and rich boyfriend and there is me who has no love life..as in zero..who does not even had a relationship or not even experienced someone courting me, who had a very lousy life, who had an alcoholic, gambler, smoker, miser and abusive father, a dad who died without even knowing how I feel, a dad I hated all those years and died without knowing that I loved him..even in the end..

A sister who in order to escape an abusive uncle who sexually molested her, married young to escape the truth, an older sister who has obsessive compulsive behavior manifested by control issues since she wants to escape reality due to a sexual molestation she experienced as a child, a youngest sister who wanted to escape reality by clinging to her pride in such a tight way, and a mom who wanted to escape reality and the abused as a wife by pretending that everything is ok and nothing had happened and now me, a 28 yr. old woman who wanted to escape reality by pretending I’m 25 yrs.old, already had an experience with a boyfriend who had loved me once, a web of lies I don’t know if I can get out…

Now who says life is fair….coz now I am a loser still…

In the end..as usual..I will accept this coz it’s better this way..I had already cried and I think..maybe..I was really born a loser and I will die as one..coz even if I dream big..I still lose….

Man's rejection is God's direction

Today, a lot of people in the office are going to apply abroad. If they will be accepted, I will be the only one left in our batch. I don’t want to but I was rejected by that company. Actually, it’s my fault too because I did not pass the exam. If I could only die, I will. I am so stupid but even if I cried a thousand tears, I cannot bring back the lost opportunity. Oh my God, I am having self-pity again. Why me Lord? Why you are always testing me? It was always been the same for me, failures then success. Then, failure and I hope after this, success. I will not lose hope. I will fight back. I will apply to every company there is. I will surrender my life to you. Just help me go to other countries, whatever it is. I’m ok with it God. Does I really need to have rejection to know what I really want to do with my life? In the homily, Man’s rejection is God’s direction…what is mine Lord? What is my direction? Please lead me to my direction. I’m really clueless. I don’t know what to do. I want to become a writer but I don’t know if I can write. I want to be a lawyer but I don’t have the resources/money to pursue it. I only want to invest a home for my family, my future. That is why I want to go to other country. I want to have a new life in a new place. Begin anew. That company is really the answer but sadly, I blew it up. So here I am, back to zero again. Don’t know what to do.

I just want to go to other countries especially US but I’m really depressed right now. I had applied to a lot of firm but no one is contacting me. Please help me…I am imploring you. Just give me a chance. I am already 28 yrs. old. I haven’t invested anything. I don’t have a love life..my career is going down. I will not be promoted next year. I know for a fact that life does not give you everything. Maybe, there are others who have everything, but there are us who had to work hard to make a living. To live with our dreams. To fly with broken wings. I know that what I feel for A is just a fleeting moment of insanity. I did love him but he does not feel the same way. This is a one sided love and I hate it. But I will survive. I had before…with the first man I love..my father…I had hated him for such a long-time that I did not allow myself to fall-in love and have crushes on anyone. And when I let down my guard, boom…A stole my heart…but look at us…just a memory..a good memory and that is what it will remain. Since I now know what is love, I now resigned myself to become a matron, an old lady without a man. So just give me back my dreams…I don’t care if I will be lonely someday…I cannot have everything. Just don’t let me on the dead end..no Love, no Career. I will surely die God.

My First Love

This is the day that I will never forget because it was the last day of A. A is my greatest secret and no one knows it but only me. At the office, I’m so good pretending I don’t care about him, as if he doesn’t exist. But the truth is that I had already fallen in love with him. Actually, I don’t know if this is love….I can’t define what love is. It was not even a physical attraction because he was not my ideal man. He is not handsome or tall and he has a dark complexion. Dark complexion is fine with me coz I am fair skinned but I like tall men. His eye looks like he came from Arabic descent, piercing while I like men who had expressive eyes. It was one of my fetish. The eyes. I also like men who are funny and extrovert and he is not. I really don’t know what happened between us. When I worked with him in an engagement, that is when I start to noticed him. Before, I really did not feel anything about him. He was not even my crush. Maybe, that is what love is. You’ll never know when it struck you and maybe, there is really a possibility that if two persons are working together, a man and woman, there is a possibility that they will develop a feeling for each other. I don’t know when it started, I can’t remember but all I know is that I started to have dreams about him…about us together. Sometimes, those dreams are even naughty ones…sexual fantasies and stuff. I’m really ashamed talking about this to another person because A had already a girlfriend and they are together for 4 yrs. now. I’m not really attracted to him but when he is around, it’s like there is a chemical element that makes me giddy. Sometimes, I questioned myself that maybe it is only hormones in my part. But I only feel this thing when he is around me. It’s like there is a chemical reaction when we touch. My god, I really can’t explain it in word. I used to analyze my feelings. I don’t like to feel this way to another person because I wanted to control my life. Maybe I was only attracted to his attitude with life. You see, A is a very responsible person…he loves his family and he takes care of his siblings. If you know me better, you will know that one of my greatest fear is to fall in love with a man like my father. Who never treats my mother in a respectful way. And I guess my attraction with A steams from that, because he is an exact opposite of my father. He is introvert and very responsible. Even if his salary is not enough, he is still helping his siblings with their studies and he is the breadwinner of his family. His father is only a policeman. What I also like about A is that he is kind and always ready to lend a hand. He does not imbibe in drinks (I don’t know if this is true but this is what I only see on him). We are very much different…he is into sports and I am not. I am a nature lover and he is not. I love talking to people and he is afraid to tell his deepest secret and soul to anyone. In some way, we are alike on that one. Because I also have so many secrets that I can’t tell to anyone…not even the closest friends. In some way, we complement each other. It’s like our mind are sometimes synchronize and somehow, we even like the same things. I noticed that we both like seafood but our likeness comes from the way we both love our respective families.

I know that I am an idiot rambling about things but I know that what I feel about him is true because I haven’t feel this way about anyone before. He is the first man I feel in love with and that is why, I cannot tell it to anyone. It’s embarrassing especially the fact that I feel in love with a man 4 yrs. younger than me, has a weird sense of humor and most of all, already had a girlfriend of 4 yrs. What will my friends think of me, I am like the rock of true sense and I fall from the pit myself.

But sometimes God put a joke to us we don’t know what it is. Just last night, I learned that he is already broken up with his girlfriend. A friend told me and I pretended that I don’t care but there is a spark of hope in my heart. Then, again, I fall back into reality. What I feel about A and what he feels about me (this, I didn’t know and I don’t want to find out) is irrelevant. I know I’m good in giving advice and I need one right now. When my friend told me what his past love did to her and I have seen how devastated she is, I told her to confront the guy and ask him why? But I cannot do it. They said that women had great instincts and I feel that somehow, A feel something about me. It is in the way he talks and stares at me. I don’t know, I am afraid to know the truth. Because knowing the truth will really devastate me. Because even if (only even if) there is something between us, it will never be a reality. I had done things I should never have. Lied to him and others and my greatest lie is my age. They all think (even he) that I am only 25 yrs. old, a year younger than him. I lied about my first boyfriend that never existed. The name exists and the person exists but he is not my boyfriend. Because the truth is, I never had one. On my 28 yrs. existence on this life, I never even have anyone who courted me. Men don’t find me attractive at all; they just find me a competition to them. And I am, because I really can take care of myself. I am a know it all, I love lots of things and I know what I want. I am happy with myself, I used to say that it’s fine with me to be an old maid, but that changed when I experienced that I want someone to love me still. Someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. I’m not complaining the way I’m taking care of my family, I love them and they are the best people I ever had. But sometimes, you tend to feel the what if…the thing I feel right now. People say that I am very much in control but they don’t know that somehow, it was just a shield for a fear. Fear that I will mess up my life and be like my parents. Feel in love with a wrong man. But I know A is not the wrong man…I am the wrong woman. Because I am a liar and how could he forgive me and accept that. So here I am, writing crazy things because I cannot tell anyone what I feel. Maybe someday, but not right now, if I have already move on. I have a pact with God that I will not pursue what I feel, I will not encourage A to also feel in love with me. That is why I did not show any affection for him except as a colleague. I don’t know if I will regret this someday, but sometimes, we have to live by our choices. I know that I will because A is the person that I want to be with someday, he is caring, can cook and do household chores and I know that he is a good person. A person who loves his family is worth fighting for. I also had a pact with God that if A pursues me, it means that we are meant for each other so I will not fight it anymore. I will tell him the truth no matter what it will cost me. But the decision will be on him and not me. But is not, then, I will just have to let go. Maybe someday, I will just look back on this things and it will be just a memory. A good memory. In our farewell event, he thank me for the memories. Maybe, what we have is also just a memory for him. Then so be it. If someday, God put us back together, on a right place and a right time, when both of us are no longer lost, when we already know our true selves and we are not afraid to show it to anyone anymore, then, maybe, we really belong together. But only if and I know that IF only happens in books and we are in real life. So there is no if here, only reality. And reality is to let go…LET GO…and I pray to God that I can do that..no more turning back..if I regret this someday…I just have to live with my decision not to tell him what I feel.